Can you believe these crazy things happened in 2019??
2019 was a great year, but 365 days is a lot of days to remember! That’s why I’m here to summarize the most shocking moments that this 2019th year of our Lord had to offer. Feliz Navidad and here’s to 2020!
January 17 – UofT reveals its NEW new smoking policy
UofT started 2019 off right by publishing its new official smoking policy, which stated that all individuals on campus must smoke at all times or they’d get arrested. Caffiends’ famous one-dollar cigarettes quickly become the hottest-selling item on campus.
February 24 – Leo Morgenstern hosts the Oscars and then is killed
After Kevin Hart turned down the Oscars like The Strand keeps turning down my pitch for a ten-article exposé on the grain industry, the folks at the Oscars had no choice but to come to the UofT community to find a host. Stranded editor Leo Morgenstern got the job and his routine was so bad that The Strand Editors-in-Chief killed him. That’s show business, baby! Jimmy Kimmel took over as Stranded editor in Leo’s absence.
March 20 – Jayde Jones takes President Robins’ job
2019 was the Year of Student Politics after VUSAC President Jayde Jones declared that if she was re-elected for a second term, she would invoke the never-before-used “Ol’ Switcheroo Clause,” which would switch her job with President Robins’. This resulted in an 11,124 percent voter turnout on Election Day, after everyone in Canada participated. Condoms and dental dams will now be handed out at President’s Tea.
July 6 – The Great Fire of 2019
In what was surely the third worst event of 2019, UofT went up in flames. You may be asking how an entire campus spread out across Toronto (and Mississauga) burned down.
After his newspaper empire was reduced to ash, The Varsity Editor-in-Chief Jack O’ Denton took control of The Strand and declared martial law, completely wiping the remains of The Mike out of existence.
October 21 – The Cashman becomes Canada’s Prime Minister
Nobody expected Russell “The Cashman” Oliver to run in the 2019 federal election, but his success was inevitable: none of the other candidates could advertise like he can. With a net worth of 560 million dollars, he is the richest Prime Minister to date—and the most handsome.
December 31 – New Year’s Eve happens
Last week, the Earth experienced New Year’s Eve, before becoming 2020 years old. Happy Birthday! As a birthday present to the planet, the people of Earth generously decided to stop global warming for the day.