In Hollywood, not everyone can be rich, famous, or beautiful, or rich. Last week when Angelina Jolie, 41, filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, 52, everything seemed to change. For the past twelve years—including and in Pitt’s words “only” two years of marriage—the industry has followed the light that human wads of cash Brangelina have shone forth. Now, the world does not seem to make sense. It has been left in the dark, lost and unsure of where to go, cold and scared for the future. Who will Hollywood cast now in instant classics? In non-Oscar-nominated flicks? Who will H-town hire now as producers for the next instalment of Kung Fu Panda? For problematic stories about slavery? The industry is searching far and wide for someone—some couple—to fill the rift that Brangelina has unknowingly left behind. I believe that I alone, Celeste Yim, 20, am that couple. Sure, it might be strange to think that a small Korean recent-teenager such as myself could fill the enormous, custom-made Prada shoes of the beautiful, the white, the sickeningly rich Brangelina. And please don’t get me wrong! I don’t want to be beautiful or white, I only want to be really, really, disgustingly rich.
You might be wondering why it is that I believe that I currently am and have always been the next in-line Brangelina, especially given the fact that no Asian woman has ever been part of an “it” celebrity couple, never mind being a singular replacement for a celebrity duo or even remotely close to a respected and known celebrity in Hollywood at all! 
Ever since I was a little girl, (like at the end of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, but a girl and Asian) I knew I was different. I didn’t care about dolls, I turned my nose up at wearing dresses, and I never fit in with the other kids. The only time I felt like I could really be myself, like I didn’t have to pretend, was when I was spending inordinate, almost illegal amounts of money.
In my opinion, Hollywood is cooked at the exact right temperature right now for totally unjustified and downright miraculous fame and fortune for marginalized minorities. We have all, for example, simply ignored true reality by unanimously agreeing that Jared Leto is a hot and famous person instead of naming him for what he really is: a walking talking lemur with a ponytail, a human face, and giant lemur eyes. If a lemur can make it, then surely one single Asian woman with no marketable entertainment experience can make it in the city of Angels—and money.
Another pervasive myth I want to dispel among the Hollywood community is the classic saying: it takes two to create a portmanteau. I don’t need a man or a woman or a large, seemingly infinite sum of money to do that myself. That is why, from now on, I will only respond to the name Celim! Moreover, I freaking love children! It actually just so happens that Brangelina’s truly tragic and remorseful split has come at the same time that I, a weak-bodied 20-year old student without a husband or any income whatsoever, am searching for six racially variant children of my own! Can you believe that? What a wild coincidence… And not only do I love children, I am also fit to be Maddow’s mother because I eat breakfast almost four times a week and I myself vary racially from white people in many ways! For instance, I am not white! This could be wonderful, financially stable common ground for my many new children and I to stand on happily together in this season’s aforementioned Prada shoes.
On the subject of white people and their inability to integrate non-white people into their social standards: I could also be the new Brangelina of The Oscars! What a fiasco the Academy Awards have been for people who have been fighting their whole lives to be recognized by the institutions which represent them—and here I am of course referring to: the Oscar winners themselves. It has been so difficult for these hard-working people to have finally won the most prestigious award in their industry while also having to deal with the annoooooying outrages of those who have been oppressed and silenced in the film industry for all of history. White, successful people really should be able to be white and successful without all the pressures attached to being the faces of systemic racism. If I were the new Brangelina, I would alleviate white people from such an irritating burden by edging each and every single one of them out of the entertainment industry altogether.
Imagine if in Mr. & Mrs. Smith instead of two white people running around a house shooting guns, there were zero white people and a nice Korean girl eating a bag of chips on the couch. Or how about if in Fight Club, Tyler Durden were not a white guy playing a white guy’s conscience, but instead he were a nice Korean girl eating chips on the couch. What about if in Wanted, the white characters and the plot were totally different and Wanted were never produced. Wanted is a terrible movie. Not to mention, it turns out that I have the exact same amount of Oscars as both Brad and Angelina combined! Brangelina? More like Zoscars! (Zero Oscars). Samesies for Celim!
It must be so exhausting to churn out as many box office hits as Brad and to attend as many red carpet premieres as Angelina has had to for box office hits that Brad has churned out. I am prepared to take on those and as many emotional burdens as it takes to become the next Brangelina. And also the financial burden that it takes, too.
In conclusion, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, but for Angelina, it’s a sister-devours-brother’s-face world. The bottom line is: Angelina made out with her brother at a public, glamourous event at which there were many cameras. Look it up! And I promise, as soon as I have that sweet, celebrity incest cash, my first course of action will be the thing about firing all the white people. And the second will be using my Brangelina Bucks to hire someone to play my brother (also creating the first Hollywood acting role for an Asian man ever) and we will make out until the cash cows come home to my mansion and two hundred new children. I am the only answer to the gaping hole that Brangelina has left in the hearts of civilians everywhere and, if you let me, I will stuff that hole as dutifully as Brad Pitt surely has each and every one of the nannies that has ever worked for Brangelina and my new, formerly Pitt-Jolie children.
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So you think you’re special because you’d rather be rich and not have to work? And you imagine that everything would be magically perfect if you were white?
Narcissistic drivel and attention-seeking behaviour. Maybe if you did a bit more growing up, you’d realize that what’s worth having in life, is worth working for.
It’s an article in a university newspaper. Get over it.
Well, at least now it’s clear where you get your judgemental cultural hangups from.
Just because you have a massive inferiority complex about “white successful people” and achievement, doesn’t mean you get to publicly shame them – or is that how your culture rolls?
It’s nice that you are trying to give Canadians a reason to tell others. “we’re not all nice. we have our share of jerks and assholes.”
The author already had that covered by ratting out a bunch of students in national media and getting them suspended because they wore sombreros to a party. The horror.
Glad you agree that ratting out is the correct word. As ratting out someone means they have committed an offence.
But I would take you a little more seriously if you are not white. Your opinion is your right but so is the right to poke holes in it
Wearing sombreros is fine dressing as criminals is not
Take care white boy
Ah yes, you must be American. Here in Canada, we don’t see race; we see people. Sorry that you judge based on skin colour, much like a neo-nazi…it must be a sad way to live.
I just wrote something that showed your lack of self awareness. You claim not to see colour but bring up white people, you then say that all people of a culture are the same because one upset young woman wrote an article. So that indicates to you that whatever culture her ancestry is. Which you don’t even know. Everyone from that culture is the same. I do live a sad life as I have severe depression. But get motivated to defend a person when some idiot thinks it’s okay to cyber bully a person who wrote an article for a paper very few read.
Must be a lot of anger pent up. If all of us Canadians don’t see colour, why are so many Muslim women harassed on the street or subway. Well I am tired of you. You can have the last badly phrased, illogical with plenty of insults Final Word. I won’t be reading replies. Bye for good.
This is incredibly un-funny. Incredibly tone-deaf. Heartbreakingly ignorant. United States happens to be primarily white. This is okay. And, before you get on your high horse again, Ms. Yim, I’m Asian too. And a lot older – I’ve lived with and fought against the real sytemic discrimination you seem think you’ve become such an expert. Please, get on board with the real fight and stop attacking allies.
This is a not so funny racist rant written by an immature self-declared. Thankfully she says she is Korean and not Canadian. I would hope that no Canadian would write such drivel.
Racist.
‘firing all the white people’ ….?!
racist much?! Yeesh.
Angelina Jolie actually has won an oscar though: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001401/awards?ref_=nm_awd
I understand the outrage now – it’s part of your fantasy.
The private party off campus, was obviously by invitation, so whatever the party theme was, is nobodies business. For the administration to take exception to the theme of the party is not their business, looking at the pictures no one group was being racist, have gone to golf tournaments dressed up like a Mexican, is that racist, not at all. We as a society have gotten to thin skinned, that we can’t laugh at each other or, make a joke about our heritage. In the 1960 & 1970 we all told jokes about each others nationality and no one got upset. Political correctness has now gone to far to the left. This story didn’t deserve coverage by CBC, there is bigger stories to inform the public. To the millennials get over it doesn’t matter if in good taste or bad taste, move on with real life.
We as a society aren’t thin-skinned. Milennials (like the many she’s tried to smear) aren’t thin-skinned either. She is, and she is trying to drag us all down with her.