It’s almost time, folks. The moment you’re not really waiting for but would rather pay attention to than that essay you’ve put off until “tomorrow.” The 88th Academy Awards: it’s a time of excitement, for some people! Apparently. Some are flocking to theatres to see the films nominated for an Oscar, while others have the nerve to pirate the nominated films online. And lastly, there are the folks that come crawling back to one of the most beloved of Academy Award pastimes: making gif-heavy jokes about Leonardo DiCaprio not having, and not receiving, an Oscar.
I’m not complaining. They’re pretty hilarious; laughter directed towards the failure and rejection of sincere, otherwise successful people brings a smile to my face and a tingling sensation to my fingers, which I quite like. But maybe we should pull back. I’m not an economics student (anymore), but I’m positive we’re facing diminishing returns on the hilarity of Oscar-less DiCaprio jokes. It’s time we turn this obsessive need to mock DiCaprio into an obsessive need to find out why he isn’t getting an Oscar in the first place.
Perhaps the problem lies in his choice of roles; The Revenant is the second time he’s played a character that loses it and sprays spittle everywhere in the hopes of winning Best Actor. Coincidence? Perhaps the Academy just has a strong dislike for him after all his years of fame (and, unlike Rose, they’ll never let go of him it). Or perhaps there’s an even darker secret behind it all. What if there’s a secret order out there devoted to sabotaging the results every year DiCaprio’s been nominated; not out of dislike or envy, but out of fear?
Why would people fear him, you ask? Think about it: how can someone so talented, successful, and under constant scrutiny of the public eye be so damn genuine and humble—a good “old sport” after each loss? And without one bad word about his colleagues, ever? Are we just supposed to believe that the Academy is full of petty, prejudiced, unfair people? Nonsense! Therefore, it must be the fear DiCaprio instills in the Academy if he were to ever obtain that golden statue. Perhaps he’s an evil warlock who needs it for a dark ritual that will help him take over the world. Perhaps he’s an alien mastermind, disguised as a handsome human, bent on using the statue as a key to destroy Earth. Or perhaps he’s a malicious, all-seeing, dimension-travelling, shape-shifting entity who needs it to wreak havoc on all beings just because he wants to!
Who can be sure? We need to step away from the Internet’s memes and gifs to find the truth. Meanwhile, continue to fear that glorious sonuvagun and deny DiCaprio an Oscar at all costs—his seemingly good nature be damned!
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