Nobody can deny that romance has played a fundamental role in human society for centuries, and no one is upset about romance being shown in the media. However, I think it should be discussed how romance seems to be the only type of love shown in the media. It is constantly portrayed as being more valuable than platonic and familial love. I could name a handful of movies off the top of my head where the best friend of the main character only exists to give the lead romantic advice to get their crushes’ attention, and once the lead starts dating them, the friend is never mentioned again. Because of course, once you’re dating someone, all of the friendships you have made up until that point no longer matter, right?
Well, according to the media, that’s exactly how it works.
This has been an issue for longer than I’ve been alive. Although, as the years go on, we’ve been seeing more diverse relationships in media, there is still an overwhelming amount of romance. Sometimes I just want to watch an action film where the (stereotypically masculine) lead doesn’t save the (stereotypically feminine) love interest, and they don’t kiss and live happily ever after (see any Bond film). Sometimes I just want to see some kickass fighting scenes and not worry about anything else.
As much as I joke about this, the over-portrayal of romantic love does have real life affects and can lead to teenagers feeling unsatisfied in their friendships. This can cause them to feel as if they’re missing out on a huge chunk of life just because they’re not dating anyone. If teens only see romantic relationships in the media, and not (as cliché as this is) the power and beauty of friendship, it will affect how they’re going to view their own relationships. People will devalue their platonic relationships, which could possibly lead to isolation and feelings of loneliness. I’ve seen this with my own friends; they start dating someone, and suddenly it’s like I never knew them. I’m not saying that it’s illegal to hang out with the people that you date, but I shouldn’t feel like I’m second place to someone I’m incredibly close with. Not wanting to date my friend doesn’t negate the love and affection I feel for them.
As a side note, why does every coming-of-age story focus on the main character having sex or starting a relationship? There are so many other themes they could focus on, and yes, while romance can be important for some people at that age, there are others who will feel alienated by these ideas and can’t relate to the media that was designed specifically for their age group.
All the ideas I’ve mentioned so far go double for queer people and aromantic people. Even though representation of queer people in the media has definitely improved over the past decade, you would still be hard pressed to find a movie or TV show that portrays queer people in a long-term, happy relationship (even harder if you try to find a piece of media that doesn’t focus on their sexuality). Not seeing people like you in the media find love can impact the way that you approach romance. Aromantic people (who do not feel romantic attraction) are continually being told that they’re ‘wrong’ for feeling the way that they do, or that they’re broken for not having these types of feelings. Seeing people on TV being satisfied in their romantic relationships and are constantly told that platonic love is less important than romance, can affect their mental health, and can lead to feelings of self-doubt.
On the topic of romance versus friendship, I would like to bring up the idea that a good romance should come from a foundation of friendship. There are so many examples of ‘instant love’ in the media, primarily in romance movies. The whole idea of ‘love at first sight’ is inherently flawed and should in fact be called ‘lust at first sight.’ Do you ever watch a TV show that features a couple that just seems to absolutely hate each other? You just want to take your mind off your own problems for a bit, but instead you’re thinking, “why are you dating if you don’t like each other?” If you can’t also call your partner your friend, you may want to reconsider what you’re getting out of a relationship. Sure, it might feel like love at first sight when you meet someone, but love has to develop slowly over time (and also by actually talking with each other).
In general, the relationships that we view in the media affect how we view our relationships in real life. If you constantly only see one type of relationship being shown, you will come to view that relationship as “normal.” If you are constantly taught that romance is to be prioritized above all else, you will begin to strive for it, which could lead to young people feeling pressured to enter romantic relationships before they are prepared to do so. I am just as much as romantic as the next person, and I’m not shaming anyone who is in a romantic relationship, but I simply believe that being in one shouldn’t cause you to view all your platonic relationships as “lesser.” This issue is improving (see films such as The Old Guard, Lady Bird, or the TV show The Queen’s Gambit) and we can only hope that in the future, people who don’t pursue romantic relationships, for whatever reason, don’t feel alienated for it.
