A kiss in the rain, a major sacrifice, a heartfelt declaration: love is the everlasting story. Millions of books, movies, songs, animes, and tv shows attempt to depict even a shred of “love.” Make no mistake, I love indulging in these stories. My heart flutters and breaks alongside the characters and despite cringing at all the cliché tropes, I guiltily consume romantic stories of any kind. I grew up with Studio Ghibli, Twilight , Barbie movies, and many other tween/young adult stories. As I near two years with my boyfriend, I can tell you that those depictions are severely flawed, and I have a few bones to pick with the “love” narrative. They are embellished and end right at the “happily ever after” climax. Let me begin by saying please don’t use these tales as a guide to the “perfect love.”
It seems like a straightforward idea, but we consume and internalize our favourite narratives to the point that we define our standards based on them. I remember in 9th grade wanting nothing less than a boyfriend like Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice or a Toby Cavanaugh from Pretty Little Liars. I will say, I did find my own Seiji Amasawa from Whisper of the Heart, but what I’m truly getting at is the extremely unattainable expectations we place on our partners. It’s important to have a level of respect for ourselves, but also for the human that is our significant other. They have a backstory, their own personality, as well as good and bad traits. To be in a healthy relationship means to accept this person as they are, not to mold them into the person you want them to be. Do we all sometimes wish we had a Levi Ackerman from Attack on Titan or Peeta from Hunger Games in our life? Perhaps, but by anticipating people similar to these characters, we also disregard other incredible people, because they do not “fit the mold.”
On the topic of healthy relationships, communication is immensely important. I don’t see a proper portrayal of healthy communication in a vast majority of the stories I consume. Perhaps it’s because no one wants to admit the secret to good communication in a relationship. I love to talk, but my boyfriend is more of the quiet type who finds it easier to speak through action. I won’t gloss over the fact that this was something I struggled with, I have always handled my successes and failures through words. One day, I saw an interesting video about “love languages,” and I jokingly suggested to my boyfriend that we could take the quiz associated with it. Ironically, after that quiz, it was much easier to say: “I love and care about you” in a meaningful way.
In case you’re unfamiliar with the “5 love languages,” it’s a quiz based on a book called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman. The description reads, “the premise is simple: different people with different personalities express love in different ways.” I highly recommend figuring out how you and your partner show love and receive love. Of course, this can change over time, especially now I think we all would like a bit of quality time over everything else. Nevertheless, it’s a place to start. You don’t have to instantly understand one another for a relationship to work out, contrary to every other romantic comedy. I also don’t think there is any shame in seeking out relationship advice. Why be ashamed that you both want your relationship to work out?
I wish more of the books I read earlier in life wrote about real relationships. Love can be a hard thing, and the story doesn’t end at the “honeymoon phase.” It goes on. You won’t always have the kind of partner you see in the movies or read in your books. You won’t always “click” right away, and two people with different personalities and upbringings can find it hard to effectively communicate what’s on their mind. Honestly, real relationships are scary. They require work, growth, and compromise. But they also bring out the best in us. Love is worth it. It’s nice to read about and nice to watch on screen, but the real and true love starts with us ordinary people, and the desire to grow with our partner. Keep watching and reading and listening to love stories, I know I will. But I always look over at my boyfriend and thank God I’m able to be a better person because of him. I’m thankful for his stubbornness, and moodiness, and tendency to play devil’s advocate. I’m grateful because the moment I let go of all the fake “boyfriends” I loved in my stories, I could truly appreciate the beautiful human I call my boyfriend and best friend.
Website with the description and quiz: 5 Love Languages – The 5 Love Languages®
This put a lot of things into perspective for me, and you definitely changed my outlook on even how I handle things in my own relationship, you really make people see the big picture