*NOT CLICKBAIT* THESE ACTUALLY HAPPENED; DON’T ASK, I DON’T KNOW HOW
I am Thanos, and bad first dates are merely my Infinity Stones. The more I collect, the closer I am to wiping out the human population with my rage and fury. The art of going on a first date is something I have yet to master, but here are some important pointers I’ve had the (dis)pleasure of learning. While I am not sponsored by the dating apps mentioned, I feel like I deserve financial compensation for the dates that I have had to endure. If you ever feel like you’ve had a bad date, fear no more!
Date #1: 5’6 guy
My first date with this guy was fine. All I’ll say is: DO NOT date people who have gone viral. We ended up dating for a bit before he decided to give me a reason to relate to Taylor Swift’s “All Too Well.” Never again!
Date #2: Weird back pats
Let me start by saying that on his profile, this guy’s pictures featured him with SHORT, BROWN, AND CURLY HAIR. THIS IS AN IMPORTANT DETAIL. Before we even met, he got lost in the subway station, and I had to find him. When I finally spot him across the street, I see a man with LONG DIRTY-BLOND HAIR. I was absolutely astounded, bewildered, confused, and dismayed. He approaches me and I get a glimpse of his outfit which was a shirt he probably slept in and track pants… I was wearing a cute little romper that my friend lent me. The juxtaposition was almost comical. Before this date, I didn’t know that you could pat someone on the back the wrong way, but this guy was here to prove me wrong. He patted me on the back three. Separate. Times. Chills ran down my spine and my blood ran cold. I knew I had to be the one to end the date, so I walked him to the subway. “I had a lot of fun,” he said sincerely. I just said “Yup!” and bolted. This is a reminder to anyone still using high school photos on your profile—please don’t. Also, a reminder to everyone else: make sure you ask to see a recent photo of them.
Date #3: Unintentional catfish??
How do I even begin to explain this date? We met through the Aphrodite Project, which was a magical survey that used an algorithm to match you with someone that would best compliment the ~real you~. I did this survey in first year, and got a match! And then I got catfished. Or at least, unintentionally. I scoured through his profile trying to find a single picture of a human being. There were three. Two of them were of this very attractive man in glasses. THEN there was a picture from several years ago, but the subject was standing super far away, so I assumed that it was a friend or something. I was mistaken. The day arrives and I go to meet him at Museum station. I embarrassingly walk past him, because he wasn’t the one with glasses. He was the far-away man from three years ago. He texts me that he’s there, and I reluctantly turn back into the station. “Heyyy! You look completely different!,” I say. We ended up walking around campus for three hours, because I didn’t know how to leave and didn’t want to be rude. Keep in mind that this was in early 2021, so vaccines weren’t a thing yet and everything was closed. It was also -16 degrees outside. I ended up getting horrible blisters on my feet. Enough said. This was also the first First Date that I went on, so needless to say, it was the worst first date experience.