JANUARY: Tide Pods! Wow, what a throwback. Can you believe these Gen Z kids with their crazy fads and bottomless desire for the taste of death?
FEBRUARY: Black Panther came out in theatres. This movie was not only a cultural but medical breakthrough, as Michael B. Jordan single-handedly cured several people of sexual repression by 1) dressing like a film student once and 2) having a shirtless scene.
MARCH: Mark Zuckerberg was questioned about Facebook’s role in election meddling. Sobering stuff. That’s why we made memes about him being a lizard man! Conscienceless corporations, who? Coping mechanisms, what? I don’t know them.
APRIL: Beyoncé headlined Coachella—the first black woman to do so! This event was momentous, and every aspect of the performance was brilliantly choreographed. So glad that all the limp-cornrowed, feather-headdressed bindi wearers were able to witness this show for 399 USD while the rest of us watched online, stuffing our faces with day-old mac and cheese!
MAY: Yanny versus Laurel! What a marvelous reiteration of The Dress phenomenon! Ha-ha, wasn’t it so funny how we “ended” friendships over this misinterpretation? Wow, I wish I could feel something. Anything!!!
JUNE: Big Dick Energy. Nothing else happened this month.
JULY: A Thai boys’ soccer team was trapped in a cave, and Elon Musk (better known as Elongated Muskrat) threw public tantrums about being excluded from the rescue mission. But it’s okay, because in the end, we learned that you can easily get Musk to tweet you within the half-hour if you insult him openly, which is the same thing as fame nowadays.
AUGUST: Honestly, I don’t remember what happened in August, but I did some Googling and apparently, a pigeon fought a boa constrictor in the middle of a street in London. (Snake found eating pigeon on busy Londen street)
SEPTEMBER: Dr. Christine Blasey Ford testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee, accusing then–Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault. There was nothing funny about this event and I have to lie down now, because I’m enraged again.
OCTOBER: Weed became legal in Canada! Now I can’t make jokes about bonding with the neighbourhood weed man, but it’s painfully obvious they weren’t good jokes in the first place. This change was probably for the best.
NOVEMBER: Ariana Grande released “thank u, next,” and we all collectively sighed in sympathy and relief. The world needs more bops that are about maturely acknowledging the past while also subtly mocking past partners, but then again being grateful. It’s a balance.
DECEMBER: Wedding time for Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra, as well as Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth! But even with love and four-carat diamonds in the air, how could we forget Nick and Miley’s romance when they were 13? Remember when 16-year-old Miley said: “Maybe I’ll end up marrying Nick Jonas!”? This December, we celebrated the marriages of four hot celebrities, but we really ruminated on the sweetness of tweenage romance and the depth of our own emptiness.
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