Throughout your university career, you will be exposed to many characters in your tutorial and seminar classes. While most are harmless and well-intentioned, one type of student always seems to slither his little, privileged buttocks into the seat in front of you to present his two cents every G-D day. This person, the one we all know and fear being associated with is The Fuckboi-demic. It is imperative to the completion of your degree that you be equipped with the tools to identify these vile people. They live among us, they speak unprompted about controversial issues without hesitation, they get higher marks than you.
Stranded presents to you, dear frosh, a guidebook to help you differentiate the true academics from the fuckboi-demics in each of your first courses and interactions with them.
Course: What is Structural Inequality?
Fuckboi-demic: Henceforth those who talk about their current status spend more time complaining than #doing. Stop playing the “race card.” Start seeing the truth, sheeple.
Academic translation: The sustenance of hegemonic control and power is fueled by the inequalities that have founded its very existence.
Course: Intro to Equity Studies
Fuckboi-demic: PC culture is just another way for the leftist agenda censor and control freedom of speech. I should be allowed to say purportedly “racist,” “sexist,” “classist,” “ableist,”,“homophobic,” “transphobic,” and any other kind of “oppressive” rhetoric that “I” see “fit.”
Academic translation: We are entering a period were politically correct culture has begun to mobilize a common and progressive discourse among the younger generation, where those who were once relegated to the fringes of society are now being heard, accepted, and celebrated.
Course: Intro to Gender and Sexuality Studies
Fuckboi-demic: I don’t know if I believe in that Kinsey scale because it says I’m a 5, but I would never suck a dick. Not for a $5, $10, or $15. #nohomo
Academic translation: Predominant literature has defined sexuality as a spectrum, but what limitations does the spectrum impose on identity formation? Can we exist simultaneously disproportioned on either side of the spectrum?
Course: Intro to Political Science
Fuckboi-demic: You really think you can make a difference? Everyone has their price. Mine is $20 and three Natty’s! Jokes. #nohomo
Academic Translation: It is our duty to critique our leaders under intense scrutiny, holding them accountable and shaming their oppressive policies and governance.
BONUS: An Activist Rally You and the Fuckboi-demic Both Happen to Be Attending
Fuckboi-demic: [screams] Life is an illusion. I am an illusion. You are an illusion. Life is meaningless!
Activist Translation: The possibility of change spurs at the moment of potentiality?
Editor’s Note: This is just a guess. We have no idea what the fuckboi is talking about.