STRANDED

Chances are, you’re not baby either People these days throw around the termphrase “I’m baby” as a joke. It is not a joke. If you are twenty years old, you cannot claim, “I’m baby.” You cannot possibly have a successful rap career if you are, for example, “da baby.” I ...

1. “Ewwwww.”  2. “They’re stupid nasty stinky poo-poo heads.”  3. “Unpopular opinion, but I think their second album was better than their first.”  4. “You know that movie Baby Boss? Has the second one come out yet?”  5. “Babies are so stupid; they can’t even fucking read.”  6. “I saw ...

My conception was far from romantic. It began at 7:30 on a Friday night, under a flag that was once draped over Queen Victoria’s casket. Helen, my mother, was alone at the foot of a table with a plate of roast chicken, paired with a bowl of miso soup with enough sodium for ...

1. Nicholas Cage  This star of National Treasure: Book of Secrets has a big secret himself: he used to be his mother’s national treasure, as before he was famous, he was at one point, a baby.  2. Zooey Deschanel  Can you even imagine Zooey Deschanel without bangs? Did you watch ...

I’m writing this from an Arkansas prison

You hold the squishy fleshy baby in your hands. Your nose dips into the fuzz of their scalp. You inhale deeply. Baby Smell™ fills your nostrils and binds to your serotonin receptors, flooding you with emotions. But what is Baby Smell™? What are the components of this exudation, the most ...

Baby babbles in shocking interview

This baby is 30 years old and still lives in his mom’s womb. Ugh! Can’t stand it how kids these days rely so much on their parents. I bet you he spent too much money on avocado toast and that’s why he can’t afford rent in downtown Toronto. He got ...

‘Is Boss Baby 2 out yet?’ and other pressing questions you may have

Remember the baby in that viral meme or vine from a while ago that you randomly remembered while talking to someone (and had to spend seven minutes searching for it while assuring said someone it’ll be “totally worth it”)? It might surprise you to know there are real people and ...