STRANDED

The six elaborate reasons behind why it’s appropriate for me to dress my baby up and take her for walks in her stroller In August of 2019, I adopted a cat. In March of 2020, six months later, I realized that I, in fact, did not adopt a cat. I ...

Fuck, he’s gone again, oh no, no. Oh no, oh there he is

Okay, so let’s say your girlfriend is walking down the street and it’s a pretty nice day out. She’s just walking down Bloor and she sees, out of the corner of her eye, a little bit of sperm. Not like an excessive amount but, like, it’s visible to the naked ...

Chances are, you’re not baby either People these days throw around the termphrase “I’m baby” as a joke. It is not a joke. If you are twenty years old, you cannot claim, “I’m baby.” You cannot possibly have a successful rap career if you are, for example, “da baby.” I ...

1. “Ewwwww.”  2. “They’re stupid nasty stinky poo-poo heads.”  3. “Unpopular opinion, but I think their second album was better than their first.”  4. “You know that movie Baby Boss? Has the second one come out yet?”  5. “Babies are so stupid; they can’t even fucking read.”  6. “I saw ...

My conception was far from romantic. It began at 7:30 on a Friday night, under a flag that was once draped over Queen Victoria’s casket. Helen, my mother, was alone at the foot of a table with a plate of roast chicken, paired with a bowl of miso soup with enough sodium for ...

1. Nicholas Cage  This star of National Treasure: Book of Secrets has a big secret himself: he used to be his mother’s national treasure, as before he was famous, he was at one point, a baby.  2. Zooey Deschanel  Can you even imagine Zooey Deschanel without bangs? Did you watch ...

I’m writing this from an Arkansas prison

You hold the squishy fleshy baby in your hands. Your nose dips into the fuzz of their scalp. You inhale deeply. Baby Smell™ fills your nostrils and binds to your serotonin receptors, flooding you with emotions. But what is Baby Smell™? What are the components of this exudation, the most ...

Baby babbles in shocking interview