Victoria University Students’ Administrative Council’s (VUSAC) new President, Georgina Bush, promised to invade University College (UC) to “free the UC people” from the authoritarian regime of fraternity brothers, while also disarming them of their stash of weapons of mass destruction (Axe body spray). While public support is generally on Bush’s side, one angry student launched their shoes at Bush during last Friday’s town hall. She was unharmed and remains resolute in her plans to protect Victoria College’s security, with the help of “that one hot security guard.”
Turning to the vice presidents, it was a crowded field of candidates, but Willy Churchill emerged as Vice-President External in a landslide victory, largely due to his promise to fight the rats terrorising Burwash Dining Hall. He is quoted saying, “We shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be … we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.”
Vice-President Internal went to Daniella Trump, who promised to “make this council great again.” When asked how she planned to do that, she went on a tirade against University of Toronto Schools (UTS), claiming “when UTS sends its people, they’re not sending their best.” Trump has no political experience, but claimed to be qualified to lead VUSAC because she owns several lucrative properties on Bloor Street and refuses to divest from fossil fuels.
The final Vice Presidency, Vice-President of Student Operations, fell to Greg Santos. “I’m qualified because I actually used to be the President of Victoria College,” he said. When asked to provide proof, Santos said “It’s written right there in my resume.” Examination by The Strand has yielded no evidence of any of Santos’ past experience. In a desperate bid to distract students from his duplicity, Santos claimed that he was grieving, because his mother “died in the Annesley Hall fire.” Weeks earlier, Santos claimed that his mother was killed by the ghost that haunts Old Vic.
VUSAC’s new Academic Commissioner is Jack Biden, a longtime VUSAC Councillor. This was Biden’s third run for Commissioner, and will (hopefully) represent his last political position at Vic. With a largely uninspired campaign, Biden was able to catapult to victory due to the fact that his opponent was so awful, Biden looked good in comparison. Student Bo Burnbam poignantly commented, “How is the best case scenario Jack Biden?”
Charismatic Justina Trudeau became Equity Commissioner. When asked what she knew about equity as a straight, cisgender, white woman, Trudeau stated that she understands the experiences of people of colour because she has previously dressed in blackface.
Turning to ex-officio positions, new Board of Regents student representatives include Walt Laurier and Jim A MacDonald. Laurier asked students to stop calling him a “nepo baby” simply because there is a university named after him, while McDonald tried to boost his popularity with a promise to limit the number of students from Vancouver with a “Lululemon tax.”
With these new elected officials, VUSAC meetings are sure to be nothing short of spectacular. When outgoing president Brian Obama was asked to comment, he said, “My best advice to students? Transfer.”
