BREAKING NEWS—A new scientific discovery has been made that will revolutionize the way we teach and learn. Known in the scientific community as “hypnopedia”, this practice (obviously already bought, trademarked, and manufactured by Google) will be referred to as Sleep-eLearningTM in its commercial form. Following the Sleep-eLearningTM technique will allow students to absorb course content through Audio-OsmosisTM by simply listening to online lectures as they drift away into a sweet, sweet slumber.
When asked what students could do to take Sleep-eLearningTM to its full potential, Dr. Mafoo Felaslip, a renowned sleep and hypnopedia expert, explained: “Well, for maximum absorption, I recommend simply staying up all night watching random 11-year-olds’ Fortnite gameplays on YouTube until it’s 30 minutes before your first 9 AM lecture. Then, go ahead and commence your usual nighttime routine so that by the time you’ve tucked yourself in, the live stream of class has begun, and you can gently fall asleep to the comforting sound of your professor’s voice.”
When asked how hypnopedia works, the resident sleep expert at <i>Stranded</i> frowned, started sweating aggressively, pulled out his phone for a quick Google search, and responded with, “Um, quantum mechanics.”
After about a 20-minute semi-violent brawl, we convinced him to go more in-depth into the science behind Sleep-eLearningTM. “Yes so, basically, while you’re dreaming, your brain is sorting through your hard day’s work to figure out what’s important enough to store in the long-term memory and what’s miniscule enough to trash—like all the biology notes you stayed up ‘til 4 AM to cram into your head.” He continued on to say, “Then, I believe it’s the, uh, hippopotamus of the brain, that takes in the audio stimuli and integrates it into your dreams so that it fossilizes in your mental hard drive.”
Our team of experts deemed Dr. Mafoo Felaslip’s explanation to be “pretty legit,” so we continued to interrogate him on the topic of potential side effects. His response: “Wow, that’s a great question! Well, before getting into specifics, I would like to reassure your readers that 96% of Sleep-eLearningTM users experience mild side effects during their free one-week trial. So, if this happens to be you, then that’s perfectly normal! For example, if you were listening to, say, an eight hour stream of the top 1000 most common French phrases, you might wake up the first few mornings feeling like a buttered croissant, or a slimy escargot, or having completely forgotten English but have acquired Arabic instead—and that’s totally fine! I would advise you to just trust the process and keep falling asleep to the sweet sounds of a Parisian mime. The end results will knock your beret right off!”
Our team of experts concluded that Dr. Mafoo Felaslip’s stupid dad jokes were unfunny and slightly offensive, so we no longer trust a single word he says. However, we are legally obliged to mention that additional side effects include falling asleep, not being able to fall asleep, vivid nightmares, bad breath, morning diarrhea, and an increase in the severity of your phobia of the monsters underneath your bed.
Sleep-eLearningTM research participant, Chad McBrad, was able to successfully memorize “The Periodic Table Song (2018 UPDATE!)” by alt punk band AsapSCIENCE by looping the song for 118 consecutive nights. When asked how this has helped him in his life, he responded with, “Are you kidding me? It did absolutely nothing good for me. I actually couldn’t get it out of my fuckin’ head during my CHM136 exam, which was already impossible to do in the first place.”
Our team of experts estimate that Sleep-eLearningTM will be implemented by every single educational institution by, at most, the twenty-second century. Our team of experts has also derived a simple quantum mechanics diagram so that our readers can better grasp the complex concept of hypnopedia:
IMAGE SOURCES:
Comments are closed.