In a surprise move last Sunday, The Strand’s Opinions Editor, Olivia Dziwak, confirmed in an interview with The Strand’s Opinions Editor, Olivia Dziwak, that opinions are now facts. This announcement was made in light of extreme pressure from the University of Toronto, in a move commonly referred to as “the end of term.”
“We’ve looked at the facts,” she was quoted as saying, “and our opinion on the facts is that that is what they are.” When asked to clarify this comment, Dziwak explained that the approaching end of term has created a facts shortage that necessitates the use of opinions as facts. “We took a long hard look at what we had, which was the facts, and realized we were very soon going to run out of them. The facts. There just aren’t enough of them, is our opinion, which, as you know, is just the facts.”
Many wide-sweeping changes will be coming into effect as a result of this reorientation to reality. Students who were absolutely for real interviewed for this article said with confidence that they would be able to clear away the vast majority of their previously daunting workload. “Oh yeah, I feel great about it,” said Astu Dent. “Now that my opinions are facts, I’m pretty sure I know everything. Actually, I’m thinking I’ve already graduated. Yep, that sounds about right. I’m done.”
The impact on the scientific community has yet to be properly gauged, but many Life Science students were sighted looking more stressed and anxious than was previously thought humanly possible. “We’re very worried,” said a lab-coated individual, trapped out in the open during a coffee run. “What if my prof decides it’s possible to read 20 slides in the last three minutes of class after all? Will that break the time-space continuum? Will that mean I actually have to know all those slides for the exam?!”
Changes will also be coming into effect at The Strand itself, which will be seeing a wide-scale internal reorganization. The section formerly known as News will be absorbed into the Opinions section, and the former Editorial page will be relabeled “Facts That We Think, Which Therefore Are Facts.” Arts & Culture will boast the new name of “Facts About Fancy Art,” while Film & Music will be referred to as “Facts About Affordable Art.” The centrespread Features section will hereafter be known as “Big ol’ Facts.” Stranded will be left untouched, because the sanctity of the humour section must be preserved at all costs.
The News, Editorial, Arts & Culture, Film & Music, and Features section heads of The Strand were all unavailable to comment, mostly because we didn’t ask them.
At press time, Opinions Editor Olivia Dziwak had promoted herself into the role of Editor-in-Chief because she thought she deserved it and, as a result, does in fact deserve it.
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