As The Strand went to press, many fans across the globe were still in mourning over the loss of David Bowie. Regrettably, Stranded section editor Neil MacIsaac submits his contributions via carrier pigeon well in advance of printing, and thus his aggressive takedown of David Bowie’s 1977 album Low was received in a much different context than the one in which it was written. The Strand regrets Mr. MacIsaac’s insistence that “The sheeple need to learn, I don’t give a shit,” so The Strand has compromised by running the piece in abridged form, with endnotes offering our deepest sympathy to friends and family of the late David Robert Jones. Rest in peace.
So David Bowie has a new album due out on January 8, which always sparks the old “Which David Bowie album is best?” debate, which in turn always sparks a trashcan fire of human garbage[i] declaring Low to be his undeniable masterpiece. If I had my way, all those people would be on fire, along with this album, and everyone who made it while they were making it. That would probably be an improvement.[ii] Low is for people too chickenshit to admit that Bowie made his best album in a coke-induced fugue state that he can’t even accurately recall, so I’ll bravely declare Station To Station his best.[iii] I’m not necessarily endorsing heroin use (…).[iv]
Here’s the thing: if you don’t really like David Bowie, your favourite album is Ziggy, and if you want to seem like you really get David Bowie without doing your homework, your favourite album is Low.[v] Any real fan[vi] knows that the core appeal of a Bowie album is his gift for dense-yet-melodic instrumentals and his irreplaceable voice.[vii] Roughly a third of Low is songs like that, while the rest force Bowie off the song vocally so Brian Eno can wail on a theremin or whatever.[viii] Claims that Low is “revolutionary” overlook basic quality: the Wright Brothers’ plane was “revolutionary” but I wouldn’t want to fly anywhere in it if I had my choice of plane.[ix]
No one will ever belt out “Warszawa” at karaoke and win over strangers.[x] Nothing Bowie did on Low wasn’t improved upon on by its sequel “Heroes”.[xi] And I think if I could chat with Mr. Bowie himself, he’d say (REDACTED).[xii]
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- The Strand does not endorse this violent comparison, nor would David Bowie were he still alive. Rest in peace.
- The Strand does not believe setting David Bowie, Tony Visconti, or Carlos Alomar on fire would have improved quality tracks like “Sound and Vision” or “Weeping Wall.” Our deepest sympathies go out to Mr. Bowie’s wife and children.
- The Strand does not believe this to be a brave declaration and would instead suggest that Low marks the most significant step outside Bowie’s sonic comfort zone, which surely is a braver gesture.
- The Strand has edited Mr. MacIsaac’s remarks here, as they are essentially an endorsement of heroin use.
- The Strand believes “favourite” is a much more personal and non-qualitative argument, and that Mr. MacIsaac is straying from his discussion of Low being regarded as Bowie’s “best.” Regardless, Ziggy is certainly arguably his best.
- The Strand objects to such a brazenly douche-y characterization.
- The Strand believes this is highly reductive and contentious.
- The Strand would like to correct Mr. MacIsaac: not only does Brian Eno not contribute any theremin instrumentals to Low, but there are no theremins on the album whatsoever, demonstrating further that he is talking out of his ass.
- These two things are in no way analogous, what the fuck.
- Yeah, because standing around for five minutes of feedback and train noises while “Station To Station” starts up would really get the people going.
- The fan website Bowiesongs conducted a fan poll to determine Bowie’s best album days before his passing. Guess which one won? Low, you dickhead.
- Nope, end of hot take. We’re done.
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