He’s opening our snaps so… what’s up?
As of my writing this, it has been 62 days, 3 hours, and 37 and a half minutes since Kawhi left the Raptors and signed with the LA Clippers… but who’s counting? It’s not often you’re on a break with someone and you think you’re about to get back together, just to find out he DM’d Paul George to run away with him to LA… This is a rare case of dumpage. I mean he didn’t even tell us! Fucking send us a text you accordion-laughing motherfucker!
Sorry. I’m calm.
I’m doing very well, thank you, Karen. You don’t need to message the group chat that I’m not in and say you’re worried. I’m fine, Karen! Put down your phone! GIVE IT TO ME! RUN AWAY, KAREN! JUST LIKE HE DID! BECAUSE APPARENTLY THE FUCKING WEATHER IS NICER IN CALIFORNIA!
…Oh my God… you’re still reading. I apologize. Karen is a grade-A bitch with ogre feet, and she will not be returning. Should probably unfollow her on Instagram. Or maybe I’ll just hide her from my story? That seems harsh… and I need the follows… barely hovering around 400 as it is. I just won’t look at her story and will only respond to every other snap with a half-assed “very true lol.”
I am fine, though. Seriously. Why are you reading this like you’re reading OJ’s Twitter account? He left. And I’m better now. It’s not like he got us to our one and only championship victory and is probably liked by everyone in the city we live in… forever! Because that didn’t happen. Nope. Our team is actually better… bet… God, it’s like I fell in love with the most beautiful person in the world… who then left me for a more beautiful person without telling me… but everyone in the world is on their side! What the fuck?! Am I losing my marbles here?
Ugh… what’s the point? We’ll never have as good of a player. That was it. Gonna have to hold on to those memories. I guess at this point I should also end our relationship status on Facebook… and change my phone background. God… This is the worst.
Karen? What are you doing back, Karen, I told you to – What? Really? You think so? Stop, I’m not that amazing. I did consider doing a half marathon, you’re right! Ugh, Karen, get in here. Let’s hug it out. Why do I do this to myself? You’re such a good friend. I’ll turn off speech to text when I bloody well please! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Tell the chat we need a major talk. You’ve made me stronger, Kawhi! I’m stronger than I ever was before.
So… thank you, next.……Please snap us back.
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