Move over Flat Stanley, there’s a new sheriff in town
You hear it everywhere: “Nine Simple Ways to Prevent Flathead in Your Baby.” In every hospital room there is a poster about how you CANNOT under any circumstances get baby flathead. The capitalist overlords try to sell us products like “Baby Head Shaping Pillow for Flat Head Prevention, Head Support, Heart Shaped, Made of Ventilated Organic Cotton and Memory Foam, Ergonomic Design.” What is baby flathead? Is it dangerous? Dear Stranded reader, I am here with the answers. I have put my life on the line for you over the past two months as I desperately tried to get baby flathead to see what would happen to me if I did. Here’s what I’ve found.
Week one: I do the exact opposite of what it says online about how not to get baby flathead. I sleep in the exact same position every night. I do not have tummy time to keep myself off my head and help my muscles get stronger. I did not encourage myself to look to the side I do not prefer by distracting myself with an interesting toy.
Week two: No progress. I check every spot of my head and yet it is still so perfectly round.
Week three: I decide to try harder. I lie down every chance I get. I read medical books looking for hints on how to get a more malleable skull.
Week four: I ask my friend to intricately check my head for flat spots. Maybe I’m just not seeing them. This makes me realize maybe this whole thing is absurd and foolish. It should be the inside of my head that counts, right? Not how flat the outside is?
Week five: I decide if I can’t physically have baby flathead, maybe I can try to understand it emotionally. Maybe I can bring it into the community theatre production of Jesus Christ Superstar I’m directing.
Week six: I throw away all the hats I made with flat spots in order to accommodate my newly flat head.
Week seven: My production of Jesus Christ Superstar where all the characters have baby flathead is getting lukewarm reviews, especially because I changed a lot of the lyrics, which is apparently not allowed in my licensing agreement or something, although I stand behind King Herod saying “Feed my household with this bread / you could do it on your baby flathead.”
Week eight: My production of Jesus Christ Superstar where all the characters have baby flathead got shut down by a committee lead by ACTRA and the Ontario Health Board of Directors. The cast and crew are extremely upset to throw away all their hard work, but maybe the real work was the baby flathead we tried to get along the way.