Reverse psychology, babey!!
We’ve all had that prof that’s just a little overzealous when it comes to workload. Like, 400 pages of reading in two days, and it will be testable on the exam. Man… when the rigorous academic institution that you attend is actually academically rigorous…
So, what’s a girl to do when she’s drowning in assignments before the semester has even begun? (I mean… I guess she could just buckle down and do them… HAHA as if!) Here, the sweet and subtle art of cognitive manipulation comes in clutch. If you play your cards right, your profs will lighten your workload and think that it was their idea all along.
Step 1: Hit ‘em with a friendly yet aggressive greeting.
Some options include: “Hey, champ, how’s it hangin’?”; “Sup g!”; “Greetings, my brother in Christ”; or “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” (Last one should only be used for really scary profs, when you need to establish dominance right off the bat.)
Step 2: Shower them with compliments, progressing from superficial to intensely spiritual.
This step helps build trust and puts the prof in a positive headspace, which will make them more amenable to your requests. You want to proceed from surface-level praise, like “Wow, the drip is SO real today. Straight fire, my guy,” to more personal accolades, like “Your soul glistens with the light of a thousand stars.” It doesn’t matter if you don’t actually like their outfit, of course; fake it till you make it, Regina George style.
Step 3: Convince them that they are really tired from all the syllabus-writing and grading that they must be swamped with.
There are a couple of ways to do this. One is to have an insane amount of energy yourself, so that the prof appears exhausted in comparison. Try raising the pitch of your voice by three octaves, widening your eyes as far as you can, and jittering non-stop. This will undoubtedly make a good impression, and cause the prof to question their own sanity (def not yours, though). Another tactic is to feign concern over their apparent exhaustion. Try something like “Wow, you look WIPED. I can imagine that creating such a lengthy and detailed syllabus must be tiring! Not to mention all the grading you’ll have to do, with all those essays you’ve assigned! Can I buy you a coffee? Do you need a nap? If only there were some ways you could lighten your workload….”
Step 4: Motivational speech.
Suddenly, you have a flash of insight: there is something the prof can do to lighten their workload! And coincidentally, it also lightens yours! (Don’t mention this part though—it will make things sus.) In a very cool and not-at-all rehearsed way, ask the prof if they have considered the possibility of simplifying the syllabus or knocking off a few readings. Emphasise that they can ~empower themselves~ and ~guide their own destiny~ by doing so. Y’know, all the self-help-guru kinda stuff. “Taking charge of their life” and whatnot. Bonus points if you use the word “manifest.”
Step 5: Emergency exit plan.
If the above steps have not yielded success, you may have to take slightly more drastic measures. Yell “PARKOUR!,” do a flip off of the side of their desk, and steal all their papers before making a run for it. Retreat to the mountains and live off the land. Make friends with the salamanders. Learn how to start a bonfire using the power of your own mind. You did what you could: this is your life now.