At this time of year, we can get caught up in our internal loneliness, all because of a holiday that sells cards with romantic parodies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on them. But I’m here to tell you that there is hope. Better yet, there is a way to find The One you’ve been waiting for (as opposed to the three you’ve been really holding out on—I’m sorry to say that those will never work out).
The first step to finding The One is easy: collect 30 different contestants—sorry, love interests—as chosen by a board of ABC executives (because who else are you going to trust to find the one, a board of NBC executives? Please). In doing so, you will slowly eliminate—excuse me, choose—which individuals you don’t see a future with, in a way that is exciting, weekly, and filled with commercially suspended cliff-hangers. Also, you will alert the ones you intend to keep dating, not through words, but through a single, trimmed rose. This way, your horde of dating partners will feel validated without any emotional attachment or expression on your behalf. This keeps them on the hook. Similarly, your entire process must be broadcasted on national television as a method for you to immortalize your mistakes in standard definition, while simultaneously having others publicly ridicule you for decisions you’ve already made (this will be important later when you get to Paradise—I mean if it doesn’t work out—which it won’t, obviously).
One of the most imperative steps in this process is the villain. There must be a villain! This way you can communicate to your potential spouse that you are also interested in terrible people, and that you have no influence over what the producers decide. Preferably this individual, let’s call them Krystal, should be clearly identified as a villain early on in your love-seeking quest to divert potential fans’ attention away from the fact that you are incredibly boring. To avoid revealing your complete lack of charisma, try to tell your love interests that you are excited by excitement and that you used to race cars, so that they forget you’re a real-estate agent.
Once you’ve done all this and have finally narrowed it down to The One, you will realize that you actually were on The Bachelor all along. As effective as this method may be for finding true love, I can safely guarantee that a group of ABC executives won’t facilitate this—ultimately, it’s up to you. Go out there and take a risk! The One is out there, so now give them a way to find you… by going to a tropical paradise where other unsuccessful, but popular, contestants go to be famous. Stop waiting around! Start being on The Bachelor!