How far we’ve come

Claiming your pleasure in a patriarchal society

My first sexual experience was with a long-term partner who believed our orgasms were equally important. I naively believed my experience was common for heterosexual sex. When I was no longer in that relationship, I was left to navigate the world of casual sex on my own and discovered that not all men cared as much about my pleasure. It’s no secret that our patriarchal society values the pleasures of different genders with unfortunate disparity, but I still believed my pleasure would be treated equally. Despite being warned about men refusing to go down on their partners, making the excuse that it was “too gross” or “unmanly” to do so, I couldn’t understand how anyone would care so little about their partner’s satisfaction. 

The first time I had a partner like this, I didn’t realize it right away. Even after sleeping with him a few times and never coming anywhere near to an orgasm, I believed it was my own fault. Repeatedly feeling unfulfilled after sex left me frustrated, believing that my own body was just being temperamental. Finally, I decided to ask him to make me come. I was already embarrassed to ask this, feeling like a nuisance, and his confused response only validated these fears. He didn’t understand what I wanted from him. I asked what he did with his past girlfriends and he responded, “I don’t know, no one’s ever asked before.” In that moment, I realized the fault was not mine, but his. He was one of those people I’d only ever heard about, the kind I hoped I would never run into. I realized then that he didn’t care about whether I came or not, much less about whether I left sex with a nagging feeling of inadequacy. 

In a casual hookup, this feeling was irritating, but when I thought about the girlfriend he had for almost two years, I was filled with sadness. After having a partner who cared about my experience, I’m thankful that I was able to recognize that something was wrong and that I deserved better. I understand why many people are too uncomfortable or ashamed to point out that lack of caring in bed amounts to mistreatment, especially when they are not used to having their pleasure considered equally important by their partners. 

The emphasis on heteronormative gender roles in our society turns these discussions of sexuality into highly gendered issues. Growing up, boys are encouraged to approach sexuality with an eagerness and openness not reflected in messaging targeted at young girls. Attitudes like “boys will be boys” perpetuate toxic masculinity rhetoric and give boys uninhibited permission to embrace their burgeoning sexuality while the opposite ideal is imposed on girls. Girls are encouraged to develop specific crushes by innocently doodling in notebooks rather than having a general interest in sex, which is instead considered a taboo that dons an automatic label of promiscuity. Such heteronormative roles force many women to experience their sexuality only in private, compared with the freedom enjoyed by men. 

        So, in our heteronormative culture, women’s sexuality is forced to survive in secrecy. The way it sneaks under the radar makes it easier to ignore during the actual practice of sex. In heterosexual relationships, men are expected to be the one to ask women out, to initiate sex, to have their desire be the driving force in relationships. This focus on male sexuality marginalizes non-male desire and relegates it to a status of little importance. In the vulnerable and intimate act of sex, being thought of as secondary can deeply damage one’s confidence, especially considering the shame surrounding non-male sexual pleasure that pervades our society. 

Imagine sex as a duet: it is a performance that should involve give and take between performers, but in many cases, it instead features one person focusing only on their solo. Their partner is left vulnerable, overshadowed, and forgotten in the performance they should be enjoying. This is something no one deserves to feel. It can seem like a small thing, but these sexual inequalities have the potential to be more harmful when they happen so repeatedly. Rather than seeing situations like these as unconnected instances, it is important to understand the underlying patriarchal framework they stem from and perpetuate. To those who have been responsible for this imbalance, remember that complacency can be just as damaging as toxic masculinity in disregarding a partner’s pleasure.  

It shouldn’t be our responsibility to change their behaviour, but when faced with people who simply don’t care, remember that your current partner is not your only option. You are worthy of someone who will give you the orgasm you deserve.