We wipe. More often than not we wipe and wipe. Hell, sometimes we wipe and wipe and wipe. This is how we live. But are we living our best life? Rhetorical question, dear reader. Rhetorical question. Start living your best life today! And wipe that frown upside down with these five simple tips guaranteed to make your wipe life your best life.
1. Angle of attack
Look, it’s not always about looking cool while you’re wiping—Priyanka Chopra will be the first to tell you that—it’s about effectiveness. And in order to be effective you need the perfect angle. How to achieve this? First off, you will want to start your wipes with a 45-degree approach and then meet your grimy surface with a strong parallel stroke. Don’t forget to decelerate at the end of your wipe, otherwise you may find yourself flinging the filth you’ve so expertly retrieved.
2. Elevation
The key to achieving the perfect angle is through proper exposure. In order to reach all of the dirt and conquer the nasty mess on your homey hole you will first need elevation. To achieve such a feat, you will want to lock your legs in a high position; hardwood side-tables are preferable. This will expose your dirty smudges to powerful downward wipes, which we all know are imperative to a good clean. Personally, I use stepping stools or ladders, because my stains are a little harder to reach than most, but this is subjective.
3. High quality wipes
So often you get what you pay for, which is why I make my own wet wipes. I take bottles of Windex, pour them into my bathtub, add bleach, and individually dip and hang little hand towels until they are marinated in the disinfectant. Sometimes I will also add a hint of lavender to mask the smell of my sweat because wiping is often very laborious for me.
4. Dab then spread
You don’t always know the damage you’re dealing with; therefore, you send in the dab for a reconnaissance mission to test out the degree of contamination you’re dealing with. If you start spreading right away with your wipes you could find yourself cleaning for hours. Once the wipe-and-look report is in you’ll know whether it’s time to spread or grab the paper towel.
5. Paper towel
The pièce de résistance. It’s 2020, people. We shouldn’t sort things into labels because it’s convenient. We should, however, use paper towels to wipe up our nasty exterior after a wet and wild cleaning. Don’t restrict your paper towel usage to absorbing unknown purple liquids and comparing it to the leading ordinary brand. After a vigorous downward spread using your homemade wet wipes, your outside is gonna look like it visited a Chinese wave pool. Therefore, you will need maximum absorption. Towels are a sustainable alternative though you may not want to use them afterwards.
Hopefully these tips proved useful in your window washing efforts. Oh jeez, would you look at that. You know, this could be very misleading if you didn’t know this was about windows. Maybe I should’ve mentioned that earlier. Dab then spread? Yikes, that looks bad. Now everyone’s gonna think I’m talking about wiping rugs. Wait to go, Max; you’ve botched it again. The mistake is irreversible now that you removed yerrr backspace buttn fCKInG ShOT! Well, at least I put this at the end of the list. Happy wiping, everypoopy
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