Does Doug Ford fuck?

Like many men, he doesn’t know what the clitoris is!

I’ve done a lot of dumb and embarrassing things during my 21 years of existing, but I can at least say that I did not vote for Doug Ford to be the 26th premier of Ontario, nor will I ever support him or the conservative government (a big FUCK YOU to everyone who voted for this truly nasty man). As his father, Doug Ford Sr., was a member of provincial parliament in the 1990s, and his younger brother, Rob Ford, was the mayor of Toronto from 2010-2014 and beat Doug in the electoral race for that same year, he is likely more than accustomed to being a wallflower in both his personal life and his political career. As the validation and praise he likely desired from his father was placed on Rob, who was successful at a much younger age, there is no doubt that Doug Ford has some insecurities—the biggest likely being that he does not in fact currently fuck, nor has he ever fucked.* Ford’s insecurities about his sexual history are reflected in his political decisions; he tells us that he’s a virgin without ever really saying it. 

While Doug Ford is a man whose entire career is essentially made on the basis of fucking over other people, primarily marginalized and vulnerable communities and individuals, we do not know if he himself does in fact engage in the act of sex. To label the current premier of Ontario as a virgin when he himself has not publicly claimed to be one may seem like a bold move. However, through my thorough investigation, I have found that it is likely the case that such a statement is true. To quote my grade seven French teacher, “The proof is in the pudding,” and like Shakira’s hips, this pudding right here doesn’t lie.  

One of Ford’s first acts as premier was to roll back the current 2015 health curriculum to the 1998 version. Ford’s reasoning for this is that the newer curriculum was “inappropriate” as it discussed LGBTQ2S+ relationships, gender identity, consent, masturbation, and STIs. All of these subjects are a normal part of understanding and participating in your own sexual identity and sexuality, so what makes them sooo inappropriate? It is likely that Ford just doesn’t know what any of these subjects are actually about since he does not fuck. He’s concerned about the youth having a good sexual education, and his petty ass is worried that they’ll fuck more than he ever will—that’s why he is worsening their curriculum. Knowledge, something Ford likely lacks, is powerful; to take away the access to such topics is to take away the right that children have to understanding how their bodies and sexualities work. Since Ford was born in 1964, his sexual education was presumably much worse than the 1998 curriculum. He knows that the youth will be too powerful knowing about their bodies; their understanding of autonomy puts his politics at risk. Confused by sex-focused terms that he has never heard before, and insecure about the fact that teenagers are fucking while he, a grown man, is not, he decided to fuck over their education.  

Ford claims to “be married” and “have kids,” which he may believe subtly tells people, “Yeah, I definitely fuck,” but I’m not convinced. He says that he “has” four children Kayla, Kyla, Krista, and Kara with his wife Karla. First, I just want to point out that the only person who would name their “daughters” after variations of one another’s name and their mother’s name is a man who is trying to hide something, a man who is living a double life, a man who does not fuck. I know we white people give our babies names that sound like straight-up buffoonery, but this is another level of white people acting whack. It sounds like Ford was asked about his personal life in an interview, and unwilling to admit that his is a virgin, he tried to make as many alterations to his wife’s name, likely the only woman to ever hold a conversation that was longer than ten minutes with him, to prove to the public and his family that he has in fact had sex.  

In December of 2018, we saw Ford cut all provincial funding to the Ontario College of Midwives, which had received government support for the last 25 years. The college works as a regulatory body to supervise more than 900 midwives who deliver roughly 15 percent of the children born in Ontario. As many of us know, Ford loves to fuck up the more traditional health support and make it inaccessible for many, but to fuck with the midwives seems more personal. A midwife’s job is to provide care to pregnant people and their newborns throughout their pregnancy, labour, birth and the first few weeks after. Mad that he has never been in a position where he could impregnate someone, where he could have a midwife look after the person bearing his offspring, Ford said “fuck you” to midwives as they help with the after-fuck product. Since he can’t get rid of all health professionals, he obviously thought it would be best to defund those who are most familiar with sex. In an act of jealousy, he is trying to get rid of those who are closest to the pussy as he is has yet to discover it. 

To cut funding for student journalism is, for Ford, to ensure that real questions (like “is our premier a virgin?”) remain unanswered. To prohibit students from exposing and being critical of those in power is to guarantee that stories that would often be uncovered stay silenced. Doug Ford is a sad old man who has likely never orgasmed and places his distaste for his own life onto others, and with that I say “fuck off, Ford” and “fuck you, everyone who supports him.” 

*This article and the writer have no issues with virgins or people who may not be into fucking, I support y’all and your choices, I’m not shaming y’all, just talking shit about Doug Ford because he’s an evil person