Dating advice for the romantically challenged
Dear Dr. Strand,
I really like this girl. We have class together and run into each other at the library a lot. The thing is, I know she has this huge crush on another guy. If I ask her out, she’ll definitely reject me, but I can’t stay like this forever. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Pining Professional
Dear Pining Professional,
Yikes, that’s tough. Definitely wouldn’t want to be you right now.
Honestly, find something else to focus on. Spending all day thinking about this girl isn’t going to make her like you, so you might as well move on.
If she really does like this other guy, there’s gotta be something compelling about him, right? But hey—don’t turn yourself into a clone of him, thinking it will give you a chance with this girl. Do you really want to be the star in a stupid cliché?
Instead, start hanging out with him. Get to know him, his interests, and most importantly, what he thinks about this girl. Best case scenario, he doesn’t like her back or barely knows who she is. If this is the outcome, this is your chance: take him for yourself. You definitely won’t be competing with the girl, so you can forget about her altogether. You know what they say: the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
Best of luck,
Dr. Strand
Dr. Strand, help!
I was looking in my boyfriend’s closet for a hoodie to wear, but I found something much worse. A giant cat head, like part of a costume, but it’s weirdly human-like. It has these giant anime eyes that are kinda freaking me out. I know I need to break up with him, but how do I even start a conversation about something like this?
— Beastiality Non-Enthusiast
Beastiality Non-Enthusiast,
Break up with him? Are you nuts? This man is a keeper.
Artistic prowess, creative self-expression, and a fascination with full-body fursuits. You’re telling me you’d rather be with someone whose hobby is… golf?
If anything, I’d suggest you go out and buy an engagement ring right now. Going another day without locking this man down would be a serious oversight on your part.
To be honest, I’m surprised that he hasn’t broken up with you yet. Hiding it in his closet means he isn’t comfortable with letting you into that part of his life. Obviously, you have not created a safe space for him to express himself and be honest with you. I think this calls for some self-reflection.
If you do break up, however, please give him my number.
Cheers,
Dr. Strand
Hi Dr. Strand,
It feels like everyone around me is in a relationship. Even people who don’t have an official partner have some sort of situationship or talking stage going on. I can’t stand being around it all the time. Any tips for singles on Valentine’s Day?
Thanks, Sexually Repressed Sophomore
Hey Sexually Repressed Sophomore,
Did you get broken up with recently, or are you always this much of a hater?
For most single people, I’d suggest watching slasher movies and crying into a box of expired chocolates or something. Texas Chainsaw Massacre and moldy strawberries dipped in unrefrigerated yogurt is my favourite pairing.
Since you’re so high maintenance, though, here are some things I’d recommend:
– Skydiving without a parachute
– Parkour on the top of skyscrapers
– Using a toaster as a bath bomb
– Outrunning a bullet train
– Self-cannibalism
Alternatively, you could talk to your doctor about starting antidepressants. Happy Love Day!
Dr. Strand