Khadija
Swiftie-in-Chief
Likes: Shiny things (but she’ll marry you with paper rings)
Dislikes: Your little games, your tilted stage
Default mood: Happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time
Love language: Taylor Swift song lyrics
The confession they’ll make: “After everything I must confess, I need you.”
Jaiden Winter
VicPride President
Usually found: In the bog
Preferred weapon: Stats textbook. Perfect weight for swinging and she can also read it to inflict emotional damage!
What gift will get their attention: Cheese! Cheese! Cheese!
The confession they’ll make: “I don’t actually like cheese”
Romance ends: With death, tragedy, and a musical number
Aspen
VicPride Executive Assistant
Likes: Their dog, books, the piano, moths.
Preferred weapon: Whatever’s closest, or a giant wrench
Love language: Acts of service
Romance trope: That broody mysterious and quiet guy who you just can’t seem to get close to
Storyline plot twist: Was actually just looking for a trustworthy dog sitter
Holly
Managing Editor
Default mood: Oblivious
Secret power: Doesn’t know what’s going on
Usually found: Staring aimlessly at the wall
What gift will get their attention: Pride and Prejudice (1995) DVD box set
The confession they’ll make: “I have a birthmark shaped like the British Isles on my right calf.”
Kalliopé
Illustrator, Distribution Manager, Social Media Manager Assistant
Default mood: Disturbingly joyous
Secret power: Transforms into a mermaid when her legs touch water
Preferred weapon: Sex toy: one whack over the head and you’re done for
Romance trope: The we-only-have-one-bed-for-two-people-what-are-we-gonna-do trope
How long it’ll take to get into their heart: If you can pronounce her name on the first try, no time at all
Drew
News Co-Editor, Unravelled Editor
Romance trope: Home for the holidays, Hallmark-style
How long it’ll take to get into their heart: She’s far too busy working to let anybody in… oh wait, is that your great grandmother’s apple pie recipe??
The confession they’ll make: “I hate the big city and I want to stay here with you!!”
Storyline plot twist: She was investigating the corruption in this town in order to take your family down
Romance ends: With her ruining your life with such skill and grace that you remain obsessed with her <3
Rion
Associate Arts and Culture Editor
Likes: Craig’s Cookies
Red flag: The fact that he’s redeemed his 200 Craig’s Cookies points…
What gift will get their attention: The dark chocolate chip cookie from Craig’s
The confession they’ll make: “You will always come second to Craig’s.”
Storyline plot twist: Craig’s Cookies closes. You become his priority.
Faith
Senior Copyeditor
Likes: NYT crossword puzzles, Wordle, CATS, hiking, making travel boards on Pinterest to avoid her real life
Dislikes: When the NYT crossword puzzle is too hard, when she has to confront her real life
Default mood: Existential
Secret power: If we told you then this wouldn’t be a secret—nice try!
Preferred weapon: Psychological maiming
Eva
Editorial Assistant
Dislikes: Men who unironically call their friends “the boys,” the military industrial complex, salad (especially with vinegar), their high school experience, candles that have strong scents
Default mood: healthily cynical : )
Usually found: Slinking around the Robarts stacks, peering at passerby while standing in the darkened halls 👁️👁️
Romance trope: Hero x villain 👀
How long it’ll take to get into their heart: They’d like to see you try :) (This is fully an invitation to try)
Seavey
Art Editor
Likes: The outdoors, crime podcasts, not getting repetitive strain injuries
Dislikes: Litter, men talked about in crime podcasts, repetitive strain injuries
Preferred weapon: Canoe paddle
The confession they’ll make: “One time I was at a family reunion as a kid and we had rented out a dorm floor. In the dorm common room was a microwave that had a little sticky note that said “do not microwave popcorn on popcorn setting.” Whatever you guessed happened next is correct. Not two minutes in, a small fire erupted. Who would’ve known!? I’m sorry, A FIRE? No smoke, just a pop and suddenly my bag of popcorn was ABLAZE. Talk about no warning. I did what anyone would do in my situation: I pretended it wasn’t my problem and I left the room to play on my cousin’s DS. By the time my family found the source of smoke half the kitchen was melted and they ended up paying thousands in repairs. I blamed my cousin. He was so distraught after being lectured he didn’t even notice I took it home that year. He’s 30 and we still persecute him for it but he denies it. Last Christmas though, at 31 he broke down crying and admitted it was him and our whole family started cooing and patting his head and serving him extra dessert. Talk about an attention-seeker and a liar!”
Storyline plot twist: They are an animated conglomeration of the trash that people left behind in national parks. They lied about the family reunion! They’ve never had a family before, nor have they wanted one…but you… you’re making them rethink that.
Sarah
News Co-Editor
Usually found: Waiting for the kettle to boil
Red flag: Wears animal socks
Love language: Pig Latin
What gift will get their attention: Flowers… duh
Romance ends: When she can’t fit you into her schedule anymore!!!!
Tehlan
Associate Features Editor
Dislikes: the Outlook notification sound, tomatoes, Adam Sandler, essays worth 40% of the course grade
Secret power: Immortal until proven otherwise
Red flag: Eats olives from the jar
How long it’ll take to get into their heart: 3-4 business months
The confession they’ll make: “I have no idea what Wordle is, and at this point, I’m too afraid to ask.”
Kieran
Editorial Assistant
Secret power: Has opinions on things you have never heard of in your life
Usually found: In his bed or in Gerstein
Red flag: Will not message you first. Will ghost you.
Romance trope: Friends to lovers
How long it’ll take to get into their heart: At least a year
Emma
Associate News Editor
Secret power: Writing essays on books she hasn’t finished reading
Preferred weapon: Words
Red flag: Constantly brewing cups of tea she will never finish
What gift will get their attention: Tulips!
How long it’ll take to get into their heart: When her cats love you, so will she.
Abi
Associate Opinions Editor
Secret power: Predicting who’s gonna win at the Oscars
Preferred weapon: Stilettos
Love language: “Money <3.” (Actually, physical touch.)
How long it’ll take to get into their heart: two minutes and 37 seconds
Romance ends: She accidentally takes three months to reply to one your texts and you decide you’ve finally had enough💔
Victoria
Stranded Editor
Dislikes: No more potato chip?
Default mood: Gassy :(
Secret power: Very Polite
What gift will get their attention: You totally don’t have to get her anything. For real, she doesn’t even want anything, we swear! Don’t get her anything! Wait, are you really not going to get her something?
The confession they’ll make: “That smell? It was me. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry!”
Mayumi
Editorial Assistant
Default mood: Yearning
Red flag: Follows @on_a_downward_spiral. Need we say more?
Love language: Meticulously proofreading her writing and praising her on it
How long it’ll take to get into their heart: If you’re trying, you’re probably already there
The confession they’ll make: “I’ve already searched your name up and found your middle school Prezi slides. I’m not a stalker, just thorough!”
Anna
Features Editor
Likes: The rush of submitting something at 11:59 pm
Dislikes: The lag that means the file didn’t upload and it’s 12:01 am
Red flag: The anarchist one
Storyline plot twist: They break the fourth wall. (Hey, thanks for reading all that… or did you just scroll down?) It’s only a tad uncomfortable.
Romance ends: Abruptly. Seriously, was that it? Seems the developers didn’t have the time to finish this route. (Unionise game devs.)
Illustrations by Seavey van Walsum.
