Congratulations on getting hired, here is your tech startup orientation

Welcome to our startup, the one that is obviously better than all the other startups in town. We have been operating for five years and collapsed thrice, so we’re not really a startup—we just like the shiny sponsor-snatching title. We will be the hottest, coolest, most authentic startup forever.  

To affirm our superiority, we ensure that we always carry the air of a California surfer bro and tag all of our work with our slogan: “The coolest tech startup with the coolest team.” Our team has shrunk to the size of three members—three and a half now that you’ve been in the house for two months. I am the head honcho, for I started this unpretentious ecosystem that thrives on soylent meetings where only I speak, and motivational quotes found on Lululemon tote bags. You can call me David (my first name), or Raven (my online nickname), or Lucky (the name of my dog), or anything you want. A startup is only as cool as its head honcho.  

Next in line, we have the logistics guy. He makes sure we get the sponsors and clients we need to keep the mill running, whatever that means. I think I found that on the newest iteration of the Lululemon totes last week, or I might have made it up in the middle of a trip induced by the shrooms one of our super-mega-awesome-money-gifting-partners sent us. You can have some, but we don’t expect you to, for you’ll be too intimidated to sample anything more than Peanut M&Ms as an intern. Our logistics guy is named BLG, which is kind of like RBG. Everyone knows RBG. BLG stands for Best Logistics Guy, in case you were wondering. His real name is Burt. Everyone calls him BLG, which is kind of like BLT.  

Then we have Lewis, who works remotely. I think he is at a comedy show in Idaho right now. Lewis is cool, we vibed at a conference somewhere on the West Coast sometime during the last five years. Lewis is the project manager. He manages all the projects he completes, he’s a real wizard. He fills in all the gaps and wears all the hats. The two of you can share the hats this summer… maybe he can spend more time making promotional videos that way. Sorry, we didn’t really tell you what you’ve been hired to do. Last night, I decided you would be better as a marketing intern than a business intern. So, you can call yourself ‘summer intellectual’ on LinkedIn, in case I decide to change your job responsibilities next week. 

Now, the first hour of today will be spent reviewing government-issued pamphlets on workplace injuries. After that, you are expected to navigate through the labyrinth of poorly labeled Google Drive folders, memorizing each path to every possible destination. You will be quizzed on paths at the end of the day: questions will be like, “How do you get to ‘08 Thank You Sponsors Unwatermarked’?’” Also, make sure you familiarize yourself with the tech-speak you’ll find in our internal and PR documents. It’s all part of the branding, you have to maintain this inexplicably upbeat tone in <i>all</i> the emails and phone conversations you hold on this job. Complaints and rants are reserved for company competitors and unresponsive tech support teams.  

Speaking of tech support, can you please finish a spreadsheet tracking the progress of all the tickets we’ve sent to the support team of our CRM (Customer Relationship Management) provider since 2015? Make sure to record time stamps, exact quotes, the name of each party cc’ed, and of course, the response time between parties. No one will ever bother to check this spreadsheet after you finish it. But it is good to have, just in case.  

Spreadsheets are important, but it is also important to publish ads, add HTML tags to web pages, correspond with cross-continent partners, spam-email potential sponsors, join in on bi-weekly team retreats, double as a photographer at sponsored events, and take notes at every two-hour meeting. No one will ever bother to read the notes after you finish it. But they are good to have, just in case. 

Your super sparkly world-changing telos is rooted in the very human need for security. We need you on the team to ensure that everything we may need will be provided. You matter to the team – you are one of us now! I will formally welcome you over the online team channel. Make sure you react to my announcement with at least three emojis to demonstrate character fit for the coolest, least evil, and most authentic startup around.  

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