Worker found to blame and not the (very well-behaved) Eldritch Monster
The Fall 2023 exam season has been particularly difficult for the University of Toronto’s students. Common complaints include an excessive need for memorisation, poor study guides, a lack of support for commuter students, and UofT’s controversial new Lake of Blood in the middle of the Front Campus. Students have complained about the extra time required to walk around the bubbling and frothing nightmare lake, as well as how the blood splatter keeps getting people’s white shoes dirty. I have traced the appearance of the Lake of Blood to the irresponsibility of one worker: Gary Johnson from Scarborough, who was 15 minutes late to his shift at the Portal of the Gaping Maw. Mr. Johnson is one of the many newly unionised “Acolytes of Darkness,” meant to serve the unholy monstrosity that has made its home under Front Campus. Thanks to his tardiness for Thursday’s ritual sacrifice, it seems that he has very irresponsibly brought an ancient curse to campus.
Mr. Johnson, 41, cited traffic on the 401 as the reason for his being late to the Gaping Maw’s Thursday “two-for-one” sacrifice of poorly performing Classics students. Johnson is responsible for the harnessing of the screams as the students are sucked away into a hellish torture dimension for the monster’s amusement, and it seems that without Johnson’s input, the entire operation has fallen apart. This allowed the students to escape, angering the merciful darkness under Front Campus: thus, the Lake of Blood. Johnson was reportedly a high achiever at work—never complaining about the ear-piercing screams of students nor the maddening screeching and cackling of Eldritch beings that he put up with. We were able to reach the man in question for comment during his 30-minute break this Friday.
“Everyone’s making such a big deal out of me being 15 minutes late last week,” grumbled Johnson. “My boss wasn’t even that mad. Admitted that the whole curse thing he did was a bit of an overreaction. Ancient curses build character anyway, and it’s not like you guys have never been a little late to work. How about some empathy, huh?”
When asked about his thoughts on his job at the UofT portal location, Johnson had this to say:
“Pays 40 bucks an hour, paid breaks, overtime on weekends. Not a bad gig. Besides, I have a feeling that supporting large Eldritch beings is going to be the career of the future. I was late because of construction they’ve been doing since the eighties, and the monster’s curse took effect within 15 minutes. Yeah yeah, complain about the Lake of Blood all you want. The monster gets results! Now, excuse me, break’s over, and I’ve got to get back to work.”
With that, Johnson stepped back through the portal and resumed his duties satiating unending hunger. Toronto’s municipal government has received several calls begging for the removal of the portal but has responded that if an abomination like the Royal Family brings so much money in tourism for London, think of what a slightly less terrifying horror could do for our city! I reached out for a follow-up interview with Mr Johnson, but because of a lack of phone service in the other dimension he has been incommunicado.