Okay, so congrats or whatever. The Blue Jays had the third best record in the MLB and have come back from a 2-0 deficit to win their American League Division Series over the Texas Rangers. And it was in particularly fantastic fashion, given José Bautista’s seventh inning home run. Don’t let it be said I don’t believe that. Also, this is not some anti-bat-flip old-fogey rant. Bat flips are cool. I’m cool and nice and live in Toronto, so I do have your best interests at heart.
Hear me out: despite the #ComeTogether giant-slayer pride, your season’s attendance numbers lagged behind Boston and just edge out Detroit, two of the worst teams in the league. Detroit went bankrupt, but its citizens were able to come out in comparable numbers to watch a team be absolute garbage. So a lot of you are not, to use a phrase others would use more pejoratively but that I will use purely for sake of argument, “real fans.” There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just bad when coupled with rapid success and chest-thumping pride.
The kind of sentiment I’ve been seeing from some of you lately stands in stark contrast to the sincere hope for your Maple Leafs, who are as if Hans Moleman getting hit in the groin with a football could be a hockey team. It’s funny to watch, but you do feel for him. If you want to actually be a sports city, you have to take footballs to the groin. If you just want to be around when everything’s coming up Milhouse, you will be exactly as well-liked as Milhouse. There’s nothing worse than a team full of bandwagon-jumpers winning a World Series, or, while we’re on the topic, the NBA Championship.
At his JFL42 headlining performance, cool and nice comedian Hannibal Buress had to eject two hecklers who felt he slighted the Raptors and Blue Jays. That’s the image we are projecting to the world right now: drunk assholes who need to be ejected. For the record, that would be hard to do literally, but is so easy to do socially. Drake has worked so hard to make “The 6ix” become a not awful nickname for Toronto, despite how easy it will be to inspire “The Sucks” chants from other teams. Drake has worked so hard to make himself not a joke, and he lives in fear of Kendrick Lamar ever actually taking a shot at him, because he knows it will be with the force of the Death Star. Toronto’s coolness hinges on people giving you a pass; they can choose to stop doing so at any time.
In your struggle for success, you’ve poised yourself for destruction. Icarus only fell because he flew too high. Maybe a drop in altitude and attitude is warranted.
Image courtesy of Instagram