BIRDEMIC

Illustration | Emily Fu

Attracting Avian-Aficionado Admirers

I don’t have a lot of experience dating. I’ve only ever been in one long-term relationship. Since then, I’ve gone on a few dates and had a few intense but impermanent flings here and there. I am currently traipsing through the first stages of seeing someone more seriously.

I was studying for my lit theory finals when it dawned on me: I ATTRACT BIRD PEOPLE.

And no, I don’t mean that I arouse (a-grouse?) the curiosities of cockatoos and chickadees. Nor do I stir up the interests of anthropomorphic creatures like Big Bird (FYI: Do NOT Google “Anthropomorphic Birds” unless you are prepared to subject yourself to upsetting amounts of information about WikiFur and the Anthrocon Furry Convention).

I present my evidence in the form of paraphrased things that were said to me:

My ex: I hope you’re ready for daily updates about the birds at Waterloo.

A friend that I got to know a little too well after six gin and tonics: Let me correctly identify every single bird we come across as we walk down the streets of New Orleans.

My current beau: I will send you a goose [snap] for every dog [snap] you send me.

Bear in mind (“Bird” in mind?)—I am not the one who instigates any talk about birds. I don’t even like birds. They are way too confident about themselves. They dominate the skies. They are harbingers of disease. Not to mention, I’ve been shat on an embarrassing number of times.

I texted my friend about my *fowl* situation. She eloquently explained my predicament to me:

My friend: u have weird people magnetism

My friend: maybe u should try not giving off bird-friend vibes

My friend: i bet they can Sense it

My friend: i mean evidently

My friend: how else do u attract so many bird folks

What is the universe trying to tell me? Is it a pheromone I give off? (Eau de Bird Seed, perhaps?) Is this something I need to worry about? What is it that attracts them to this chick?

Do my love interests have BIRD FLU?

And yes, I stand behind every single pun I made in this piece.