Foolproof ways to stay secure online
In our modern digital age, fears about our lack of privacy online have grown. It can all feel overwhelming and leave you with a bunch of questions:
Is Google keeping track of and profiting off of your search history? Is the FBI agent tracking you really concerned that you didn’t get out of your bed at all this weekend? The answer to both of these questions is yes, but don’t worry, I’m here to help! Here are some ways to ensure that you stay secure online.
- Standardise all your passwords
I’m sure you’ve been reminded to create strong and unique passwords for all your accounts. The last thing you want is someone hacking into your bank account and stealing all your money, or worse: finding your old Wattpad or Club Penguin account (not a specific example!). People might tell you: “If a hacker gets into one account, they can access anything with the same password.” But is this just what the system wants you to think?
The best way to protect yourself from the perils of the Internet is to make all your passwords password. Now, at first glance this might seem foolish – but think about it! Password is the easiest password to guess, so no one would think you’d actually use it. It’s a neat bit of reverse psychology that no one will ever be able to catch on to.
- Create a fake life
It’s scary how much of our personal preferences and decisions are monetised today! Your Google search history is used to create personalised ads. The default settings on many devices like Alexa permit the recording of your conversations. And who knows who’s listening in? What if the secret FBI agent recording you found out that you know the lyrics to all the songs in High School Musical and spent two hours on Google trying to figure out how to boil a potato (something you, and definitely not me, did this weekend)?
The only solution to avoid the devious cabal spying on you is to erase any hints of your thoughts, interests, hopes, and dreams from your life. Change your name, feed your voice assistants Alexa and Siri false thoughts, and never Google, look up, or engage in your interests.
As you steadily create a fake identity and try not to collapse under the weight of your false lies, rest assured, no one will ever know about that one bad movie you like.
- Slowly take over the world
This might be the best solution of all. Think about it – the best way to really protect your personal information is to be the one controlling everyone else’s information. Using classic feel-good books about fun rulers like Brave New World and 1984 as your guide, slowly undermine the foundations of democracy, destroy world progress, and become a tyrant.
Ignore the fact that most dictators meet less-than-fun endings. After all, the biggest stories about dictators probably won’t be their questionable Google search history.