Fjällräven Kanken: This is a great backpack to hide the fact that you really do not know what is going on. This backpack shows the world that you keep up with trends and may be into art despite having absolutely no knowledge of either. You and everyone else with this backpack are struggling to come up with a revolutionary thesis statement for that essay on Toni Morrison’s Beloved. You want to think you are smart enough to impress your TA, but you really do not know what you are doing.
JanSport: This backpack is perfect for carrying your books and the weight that you will never be a child again. Despite all your attempts to stay youthful, you know that you have put on a bit of weight and that you suddenly have hangovers after three beers. This backpack can mask all of that and make it seem like you really still do have all the opportunity left for yourself in the world, even though all you see are closing doors.
Patagonia: You went tree-planting near the Hudson Bay last summer and don’t know how to talk to people now without bringing it up.
Herschel: You are still confused as to how your parents got you into Trinity, but it was probably because you are special. Whenever you look down at your Paul Smith’s they somehow seem to be whiter than the last time you looked down even though you just crossed Front Campus. You are trying to hide the fact that you are going to become a lobbyist for the Liberals from the cutie who sits next to you in tutorial and is always talking about a “materialist approach to history.”
SpongeBob SquarePants: You have truly wild sex on the floor of your apartment because you don’t want to break your bed again.