Dear Saucy Suzy,
Have you ever kissed without tongue? My girlfriend told me that she loves the way I kiss, only she wishes that I didn’t use so much of the old pink fish. In fact, she’s asked me to try cutting the waggly guy out of the equation entirely! That’s right: she wants it close mouthed and puckered, like making out with your grandpapi. But, no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to keep that little guy inside! He wants to taste the world. When I try to resist my natural urges, my tongue just ends up shooting out of my butthole lips like a lizard. Because that’s the only way I like it. If I wanted to kiss like I was a character on Disney Channel, then I wouldn’t have blown that audition, now would I? I wouldn’t have jumped the casting director in the parking lot and stolen the keys to his Honda Civic, either.
Last time I tried to lick my girlfriend clean, it was after we came home from the park. She clawed at my face with her nails. I retaliated by biting her hand. She fought back with a gunshot to my upper left thigh. The gauze is bleeding through as we speak. I know every couple has spats, but this one felt different. I like a good foreplay pistol whip as much as the next guy, but a bullet to the thigh? It was my favourite thigh and everything. Next time she tries something, I’m gonna have to one-up her with a hand grenade. Tik. Tok.
I reallyyyy need to figure out how to keep my moist digit in his pink happy hole. Any tips and tricks would be tight.
Peace,
Tasty Tongue in Tampa
Dear Tasty Tongue,
I think what you need to do is find another outlet for your licking leisure. Like, what if you invested in a lifetime supply of Drumstick ice cream? You know the kind, crunchy on the outside, soft vanilla on the inside? Ooo or you could learn how to do tongue tricks! Like the kind where you make shapes, like waves and stars and stuff? There’s this guy with a tip jar who stands out by the pier. He can turn his tongue into the Seven Wonders of the World.
Tire out your muscles with some basic tongue exercises and conditioning. You could learn how to tie a cherry stem with your tongue. I can do it, and it’s, like, a total crowd-pleaser.
Some tongue is good, but you don’t want to be the dreaded washing machine guy!! Trust me, you’ll get dumped faster than I can throw my neighbour’s laundry on the floor when she hogs the machine. Selfish biatch.
I hope these tips help, and remember, above all else…
Stay Saucy,
Suzy <3