It is only human that we find a rationale to explain away the suspicious and/or undesirable elements of reality. Some people resort to philosophy to find answers to their qualms on their lovelessness. Other people like to put on their tin foil hats to surf the lesser-explored annals of the web to seek a community that can suggest categorically unpopular answers. I am both: this is the duality of man. Here is my grand ol’ laundry list of love/sex-related conspiracies, just in time for Valentine’s Day.
- The sun baby of Teletubbies is actually the forgotten love child of Hillary Clinton and one of her interns.
- Monica Lewinsky was the Gerber baby.
- The songwriter we know as “Adele” is really a ghost of Rose: the one who perished on the Titanic with whomever Leonardo DiCaprio played. They both perished.
- Vaccinations make you get more super likes on Tinder.
- All those Mattress Firm stores are connected to the tunnel El Chapo regularly used to meet his many lovers.
- Margot Robbie is JonBenet Ramsey grown up. She is happily married now to filmmaker Tom Ackerley. They enjoy long walks on the beach and bond over their love for pineapple in milk.
- The G-spot was first founded by the Illuminati.
- Female orgasms aren’t a real thing—the term was just a marketing buzzword manufactured by Cosmopolitan in the 90s.
- Lubricant is just hand sanitizer.
- Socrates found the condom in the process of imagining an ideal city where sex was to be abundant and enjoyed responsibly.
- Socrates’ great-great-great-great-great-grandson’s doppelganger worked at the Condom Shack for a month before its tragic closure last year.
- Sex is a social practice invented to make human interaction more pleasurable and ultimately to distract from the angst and confusion characteristic of human existence.
- Babies are manufactured en masse in Mattress Firms and then delivered over Bluetooth to wombs.
Keep your tinfoil hats on. Happy love season, everybody.
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