The deepest darkest mysteries of our lives
- Why is the ceiling of Convocation Hall carpeted?
Seriously, I know that UofT is old and that Convocation Hall has probably been roamed by our Neanderthalic ancestors, but I cannot imagine what kind of gravity-defying creatures attended lectures in this building. Bats? Vampires? Cursed spirits? Shudders.
Photo | Adriana Goraieb
- Where is the hair on my bathroom floor coming from?
I literally just vacuumed. No, I mean like, I literally just vacuumed. Do I have male pattern baldness? Have I spent enough time with my cat that we’ve merged bodies and I’m shedding just like she does? I think the only solution at this point is to wear a swimming cap around the apartment. I can’t do this anymore.
- Why do my posters keep falling down?
One would assume that the blue sticky tack I bought from Dollarama would keep my posters up forever and that they would at least have the decency to defy gravity. Just out of courtesy, you know. As punishment, I’ve decided to let my fallen poster sit behind my bed in a pile of dust and rethink its life choices (and that’s definitely not because I just can’t reach it).
- When will the construction around King’s College Circle end?
Do you ever feel like you’re trapped in time? Like, it’s just not moving forward? Well, if you’re curious about how that feels, schedule a class around King’s College Circle every day! You’ll get to experience the blazing glory of a never-ending pile of construction that forces you to take an extra five minute hike to get to your lecture at 10 am. The question of ‘will it ever end?’ is one that science needs a little more time to figure out.
- Is my morning coffee the thing stimulating my digestive system, or do I have IBS?
Enough said.
- Why can’t I stop saying the word like?
Like, even if I tried to, I couldn’t stop saying ‘like.’ It’s uncontrollable, it’s pathological, it’s, like, unstoppable. Try it! Once you start saying ‘like’ a lot, you, like, can never go back. It’s a curse.
- Why do goldfish die after 24 hours?
I guess it might’ve been that I took mine out of its fishbowl and played with it when I was, like, five, but I just KNOW there’s something fishy going on about goldfish. Not a single former goldfish-owner I’ve spoken to has had one last longer than a day. Truly a mystery.
- Why do hamsters die such horrific deaths?
It’s a genuine mystery to me how every hamster-owner harbours some sort of unhinged, mind-gobbling, traumatic story about how their little pet passed.
- How did Rapunzel wash her hair?
After having frolicked through the fields with her hair loose, using it to swing around tree branches, and going through absolute thick and thin on her adventures with Flynn, HOW is Rapunzel not drowning in the stench of unwashed hair 24/7?? OR, if she is washing it, what’s the secret?? How does she do it?? I want to know.
- And lastly, why are people always queuing outside the exam center?
It’s a fake line!!! There’s literally nobody at the door checking people in. I’ve walked past the line before and gone through the perfectly available second door right next to the one where people are queuing up. Is there some sort of mutual agreement between them? What’s the gist? I’m curious.
If you have the answers to any of the above questions, I’m, like, all ears.