• January 1st, 2017: I developed an affinity for the colour green.
  • January 2nd, 2017: My IBS symptoms have improved.
  • January 4th, 2017: I have to offer up a human sacrifice once every fortnight.
  • January 7th, 2017: I can only walk by the light of the moon.
  • January 8­­­th, 2017: I hate almost everyone is who isn’t a vegan—and also most people who are.
  • January 9th, 2017: Better skin.
  • January 11th, 2017: Lost all my fingernails but grew new and better ones (a perk).
  • January 12th, 2017: I am not able to eat unless I tweet about it.
  • January 13th, 2017: I ignore all current events that aren’t directly related to animal rights, soy, beans, or bees.
  • January 15th, 2017: Because of this, I do not know who won the election(s), what year it is, or even what country I am in.