Aries
Well, well, well, Aries. New year, new you, eh? NOPE! You know better than anyone that people don’t change! Take this year to drive yourself deeper into your own shit. Wanted to start working out? You know that won’t happen. Thinking of starting papers before the day its due? Hell no. 2018 will be a year of extreme stasis, Aries!

Taurus
This year, your ruling planet Mars will be in constant flux, Taurus! Not only will some stupid human land on it, but that stupid human will be YOU! 2018 is the year that you’re launching yourself into space! How exciting!

Gemini
You’ve had a crazy year, Gemini! 2017 was the year that you really found yourself. You learned about web security and decided to cover your webcam with a bandaid—you really duped the NSA, Gemini! 2018 will be somewhat of a continuation of 2017. You will continue to learn more about the world around you and do the absolute least to implement your newfound knowledge. Don’t forget that education is forever, Gemini!

Cancer
2017 was absolutely WILD, Cancer! Let’s keep it rolling by hiding yourself in the jungle! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! DO IT!!!

Leo
O. M. G.! 2018 will be a super hectic year, Leo! 2018 will be the year of radical change! On October 26th, the moon will enter a super cycle and your life will be thrown into a tornado. Literally! Your entire life, all your loved ones, and earthly possessions will be thrown INTO THE SKY! Take this tragedy as an opportunity to reinvent yourself, Leo! Who needs material objects when you have spiritual and cosmic fulfillment!

 

Virgo
This is your year, Virgo! This is the year you finally leave behind men who talk about Infinite Jest and how hoppy their IPA is! Take advantage of all the new men in your life, especially those who talk about Howl and the weed plantation they have in their Annex basement! Trust me, this is a step up. But only barely. We can’t get ahead of ourselves, Virgo. We know we don’t actually experience self-growth! That’s a myth!

Libra
Hey, Libra. Call me.

Scorpio
Wow, Scorpio. I cannot believe you even made it to 2018. After Mercury being in retrograde for much of your time last year, we all thought that you weren’t going to make it! But congrats, you did it! Unfortunately for you, 2018 will be even worse. Uranus will be in retrograde this year, meaning that the stars will fall from the sky and target exclusively you. Take this as an omen, Scorpio, and run!

Sagittarius

“What do the stars have in store for me?” You asked at exactly 11:59:59 on December 31st, 2017. Lucky for you, the stars have tons in store for you for 2018! On March 5th, you will finally get your tenth stamp on your Caffiends card! On September 18th, you will bake the perfect butter tart. On November 7th, your parents will bring you exactly one (1) tupperware of soup. Sounds like an eventful year, Sagittarius!

Capricorn
Capricorn, 2018 is going to be the year of LOVE! On April 28th, rebellious Pluto will enter Uranus, causing some discomfort in your heart. Harness that discomfort and take a hard look at those around you. Maybe the love of your life is right under your nose, Capricorn, and you never even noticed! Alternatively, 2018 will be the year that you throw up after literally chugging Swiss Chalet sauce. Either way, great year!

Aquarius
You’ve had a big year, Aquarius! 2017 was the year of realizing things, and for you, that meant realizing how fake everyone is! In 2017, you cut so many people out of your life, that in 2018, you have no friends! Amazing! Keep that ball rolling by continuing to cut people out of your life. Keep cutting until there’s no one left to cut, then KEEP CUTTING. Enter solitude. Let the vast emptiness of a hermit’s life consume you. Then keep cutting!

Pisces
2018 will be good to you, Pisces! Not only will Jupiter wrap around Earth exactly 90,126 times this year, but you will ALSO circle the Earth many times! It’s finally time for you to go on exchange—you’re young, hung, and clearly march to the beat of your own drum! Get wine drunk with nuns in the south of France, roll down a steep hill in Germany, accidentally cross the English Channel and get apprehended by Interpol! Let 2018 be the year that you distract yourself from the traumas of 2017 so that when you return to U of T next semester, all you’ll be able to say is “when I was abroad…”