Wokeness has gone too far

International Women’s Day last month was celebrated by millions of people worldwide. Together, we acknowledged the issues that women continue to face. This year’s theme was combating gender-based poverty and increasing investment in women. To mark continued advancements in gender equality and women’s voices being heard, I’ve decided to cede my column to the loudest man I know, the world’s most frequent Twitter contributor and biggest Elon Musk fan. Victoria College, meet my neighbour Jim. 

Hi, everyone. Jim here. I’m writing to you all today on the Google to talk about the unfairness of there being an International Women’s Day. What have women ever done for the world to get a whole day dedicated to celebrating them? I don’t care that there’s also an International Men’s Day dedicated to studying men-specific issues like male suicide and job insecurity. Do you know what men’s real problem is? WOMEN. 

Luckily, I’ve come up with a couple of solutions to help even the playing field and stop the ridiculous advantage that women have over men. 

First, I was shocked and appalled when I watched Titanic for the first time. Why were women and children allowed to leave the ship first? Do you know what happened to the men? The men died. So many lives were cut short, all because the women and children had the audacity to not want to die. There’s an obvious solution to balance the scales. We’ll let women escape first when boats go down, but only let men out when airplanes go down. 

Picture this. You’re on your way to an idyllic Caribbean vacation when you find out that the pilot fell asleep at the wheel because they were up late last night totally trouncing their eight-year-old in League of Legends until the little loser cried. You know, like a man. Nothing is more impressive than absolutely destroying a child in something. So then the cabin pressure drops, and you put on your oxygen mask. And then you steal the oxygen mask of the woman next to you, because does she deserve oxygen as much as you? Didn’t think so. 

Listen kids, it’s a dog-eat-dog world. And if that means you roundhouse kick the person on a flight next to you in the face, steal all the life vests and oxygen masks for the benefit of you and your fellow men, and then vlog your entire descent into the Atlantic Ocean, then that’s just a part of natural selection. 

Another problem that men face: the Barbie movie. Have I seen the Barbie movie? No. Do I plan to watch the Barbie movie? Also no. But I have seen what Ben Shapiro said about it, and it makes me really, really angry. Now all of a sudden men are the problem because of that little historical oppression thing? Give me a break. And now all the little kids who see Barbie are going to be brainwashed into thinking women are better than men. 

There’s only one logical solution. Because Barbie was the highest-grossing movie of 2023, its message was spread far and wide. Everyone who watched the Barbie movie should be strapped to a chair and forced to watch Piers Morgan and Andrew Tate talk about real, masculine men, until they’re indoctrinated enough to be un-indoctrinated from the stupid woke Barbie movie. Problem solved. 

Next up on my list of problems to solve: death. And by death, I specifically mean that men die earlier than women in pretty much every country in the world. The worst countries in the world for this tend to be Eastern European ones. I found out last week that Russia has the worst life discrepancy between women and men, and half of these deaths are commonly believed to be because of alcoholism. I wonder why Russians are upset enough to drink so much. 

Anyway, I figured out the solution to fixing the fact that Russian men tend to die a decade before Russian women. Instead of trying to improve the male lifespan, let’s shorten the female one! I know that sounds bad. But since either trying to end this war or attempting to cure people of their persistent alcohol addiction that’s been ingrained in Russian culture for centuries is too difficult, why not just round up all the women above 60 and ship them to those nice old, unused Siberian gulags? It’s not like those death camps are getting visitors now, so why not put them to good use? 

So there you have it, folks. Here are a couple of quick (and I think very reasonable) solutions to solving some of the current problems plaguing men in the world today. And shout out to the women who let me use my historically marginalised male voice to say what we’re all thinking about. We should be allowed to abandon babies on falling airplanes. Among other things.