Why You’re Falling Prey to Situationships

Navigating the Gray Area of Modern Dating

‘Situationship.’  

The term sprung into popularity as of late to put an easy label on our confusing and often passionate connection with someone. Perhaps you are  no stranger to the concept of a situationship, possibly even having experienced it yourself . How did that go for you?  

Situationships can vary depending on the individuals involved, however, the key indicator of a situationship is an underlying instability and confusion—both about your feelings and the nature of the connection. In “Defining and Describing Situationships: An Exploratory Investigation,” four psychologists described a situationship as “experiences of romantic love, without increases in commitment.” In other words, a situationship continuously begs the question: “What are we?”  

Sound familiar? Here are some common signs of a situationship:  

1. Over two months have passed since you first started talking, yet you have not defined the nature of your relationship.  
2. There is no consistency with your contact.  
3. One or both of you are still seeing or talking to other people.  
4. Physical intimacy is the biggest part—or the only part—of your relationship. 

Now, not all situationships are bad— they can offer flexibility and openness for those involved. However, it can become draining when everyone you meet isn’t seeking the same future yet continues to invest just enough effort to keep you hooked. The following are three strategies to focus on gaining a clearer understanding of yourself and prevent entering into such exhausting situationships. 

Is your attachment style affecting your relationships? 

An article on “Adult Attachment, Stress, and Romantic Relationships” explains  how as individuals grow older, “they amass a mental record of their success at obtaining sufficient proximity/comfort from their attachment figures,” which begin with their parents and extend all the way to romantic partners.  

You attract and experience what you believe about yourself and life. Understanding the attachment style you’re most in tune with—avoidant, anxious, fearful-avoidant, or secure—reveals how you approach potential relationships, how we may self-sabotage, and why others may differ in their approaches. 

Maybe as a child, you were constantly told phrases such as,  ‘You’re being too sensitive’ and now you struggle with opening up. These are traits of the avoidant attachment style. Due to prior experience with lack of affection during a critical childhood development period, you over-rely on self-regulation but under-rely on co-regulation. You might find yourself in situationships because of a fear of commitment or emotional intimacy, which can disrupt your routine of self-regulation and leave you vulnerable to potential rejection. After all, it was never that serious, right? 

If you’re familiar with the manga Nana, the main protagonist, Nana Komatsu, is a clear example of someone with an anxious attachment style. This attachment style exemplifies those who  crave intimacy, experience limerence, but fear abandonment due to inconsistent signs of affection from childhood. You might find yourself panicking when they don’t text back, feeling compelled to earn their love and validation all over again. With a positive view of others but a negative self-image, you might cling to a situationship, believing they’re one of the few who accept you or that you can earn their love over time. After all,  isn’t having a few of them better than having none? Fearful-avoidant attachment combines both avoidant and anxious traits.  

Your attachment style reveals what holds you back in relationships. Avoidants fear intimacy and commitment—ultimately keeping them stuck in a  cycle of situationships. Anxious types fear abandonment, leading to people-pleasing and obsessions. Self-reflection is key—why do you fear dependency? How can you be vulnerable while maintaining boundaries? It is difficult to be in tune with someone else’s emotions if you cannot reconcile with your own. Fortunately, everyone can still develop a secure attachment. Securely attached individuals communicate well, express intimacy comfortably, and easily seek support from loved ones, often fostering healthy connections that can blossom into healthy relationships. 

Knowing your levels of comfortability: boundaries 

Self-reflection is essential when it comes to understanding your needs in a relationship. Your values and boundaries serve as a foundation for what you’re truly looking for in a partner. Ask yourself: What does a healthy relationship look like to me? What boundaries must be respected for me to feel secure and fulfilled? Take a step back and evaluate your situationship—are these standards being met? Acknowledge the signs, recognize the patterns that brought you here, and carry those lessons with you as you move forward. Growth comes from awareness, and clarity will guide you toward the relationship you deserve. 

At the same time, try not to be very rigid. We can’t all expect to find the real Mr. Darcy. No one is perfect—not even Mr. Darcy. People have flaws, and your ideal partner may not check every box, especially those shaped by social media. Instead of dismissing them too quickly, give them a chance—you might be surprised! 

Are you in love with them or are you just bored or scared of being alone? 

Love feels inescapable—perfect couples flood your social media feed, K-dramas end in marriage, your cat gets pregnant, and life  goes on. This pressure can distort our view of love, making us chase it out of boredom or fear of loneliness. It might prompt us to set unrealistic expectations. Instead, focus on personal growth—set small goals like eating daily brunch or listening to a new podcast each week. The right relationship should be a choice, not a safety net. 

This article poses many questions because it isn’t meant to provide all the answers—it’s meant to guide you toward finding them for yourself. Ask yourself: What is truly happening in this relationship versus what’s playing out in your mind? How do they make you feel most of the time? What do your instincts—or those around you—say about them? Does their lifestyle genuinely align with yours? Every situationship is unique, shaped by the individuals involved. By examining your feelings and perceptions, you can gain the clarity needed to move forward with purpose and intention.

Having to constantly question someone’s feelings about you is an exhausting daily ritual that is draining your energy. I wish you the best with your future situationships and relationships!