When “healthy” really means “thin”

[lead]Structuring a mindful diet[/lead]

A few years ago, I started eating a gluten-free diet due to an allergy that manifested itself in my skin. I trusted health food stores and packaging thoughtlessly, and I never read ingredient lists once I saw the trusted “gluten-free” label because I wanted a “quick fix.” Although my complexion improved, I did not experience any of the other benefits that the popular gluten-free diet promises. In fact, I felt generally lethargic and bloated, and, most worrying to me, I gained weight.

Once my weight gain became something that other people noticed I couldn’t ignore it anymore, so I turned to the Internet. There were so many diets out there, and the common thread amongst them was, of course, the coveted promise of drastic weight loss. Even diets that seemed fundamentally in opposition to one another, like the Paleo and vegan diets, promised the same results.

Looking back now, I can see how what I wanted most was a rigid set of “rules” to impose on myself. I figured going to a restaurant and simply saying “I’m gluten-free” would be easier than actually looking through the ingredients in every item on the menu. I focused on counting calories on pre-packaged foods instead of buying fresh ingredients. I did not bother to notice that most store-bought gluten-free products contained tons of highly-processed ingredients that were definitely harming my body more than the gluten had. Instead of finding myself in a healthy mindset, I became obsessed with eliminating whole food groups, and then stepping on the scale up to three times a day to confirm that my hard work had paid off. I did not care whether I lacked energy, so long as I felt that I had gotten thinner.

For me, words like “healthy” and “clean lifestyle” were more like socially acceptable codes for “losing weight.” I always felt awkward turning down food when the reason was that I didn’t feel like it was what my body needed in that moment. However, it was much easier to explain to my friends that I was going to pass on dessert because my specific dietary restrictions did not allow for it, and I could even expect sympathy because I was “missing out.” Most times, skipping dessert might not have been a bad health choice anyway, but in reality I was thrilled to keep drinking my water while everyone else indulged—because I was so fueled by my “thin goal.” It felt like every choice I made not to eat something was bringing me closer. And it is this mindset that retrospectively scares me.

With “diets” there is often no balance. There is eating a ton of one thing, eating nothing, and/or splurging to an unhealthy degree on the thing of which you’ve deprived yourself. There is an obsession with numbers on the scale, as though they will dictate to us whether our hard work has paid off. There is stress surrounding how to find appropriate food to eat when you are too busy to cook every meal for yourself. And, of course, stress itself can lead to negative side effects bloating and weight gain, to name a few. Personally, I have definitely noticed that my attitude towards food more directly affects my body than my choice of what to eliminate from my diet. This has led me to embrace everything in moderation, focusing more on what I should eat as opposed to what I cannot.

In these cold winter months, we are all looking for “quick fixes” to get ourselves in shape when we naturally lack motivation. Before immediately turning to the plethora of available multivitamins, I cannot stress enough the importance of getting to know your own body. Specifically, what foods do and do not make you feel good, at what times of day, and paired with which other foods? Make being healthy its own satisfying goal, and remind yourself that weight loss is not the ultimate thing to strive for. Without stress, you can make good health and conscientious consumption a habit. I truly believe that is what it means to be “healthy” from the inside out.