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“I must be overreacting,” I told my psychologist. It came from my mouth quickly and confidently, as if I were stating common knowledge. But my anxiety continued to scorch my brain. Why am I feeling this way? What am I doing wrong? How am I going to fix this? The emotion seemed too intense and out of proportion to the moment that triggered it. I sought to dismiss the sadness I felt.
“But we can’t control our emotions like that, Clare,” my psychologist responded calmly. “You are experiencing this sadness because something obviously made you feel this way. You can trust your emotions.”
Did she just say trust? Trust my feelings? I looked up from my feet, as the symptoms of my anxiety started to subside. I still felt sad, but her words rang true—the validity of emotion resides in the mere presence of the feeling.
So, what happens when you decide your feelings are undeniably real and true? That the good, bad, and in-between are authentic and normal? It can often seem like we don’t have permission to “feel,” in the truest sense of the word. When emotion comes around, we question the grounds of our own feelings, as if we don’t know them best.
Today, the words of my psychologist still resonate with me. By recognizing the legitimacy of my emotions, I’m learning to lean into them; the “good” feelings have started to appear more vividly, while the “not-so-good” feel less disastrous.
I wanted to open up this conversation to include other women, and trans and nonbinary folks. I wanted the voices of those who are too often discouraged or spoken over to be able to express how they are feeling —I share their collection of responses in the space below. I was curious to see what people would say when given explicit permission to share their emotions in a conversation where everything is fair game.
TENDER:But in a productive way. I’ve been nurturing my tender-feels. Taking the time alone that I need. Creating much-needed boundaries. — Willo
FRAYED:My edges are raw. — Char
LOVED:This past year has really shown me how much love surrounds me in the form of family and friends. I have never been more grateful for this life than I am today. I wake up each morning feeling, despite all obstacles, that I will be okay. — Rachel
DISCOURAGED:Feeling discouraged by the way our society is addicted to our devices. We are a nation of addicts and by always being connected, we are losing our connection to ourselves and our loved ones. This is being reinforced in the school system and in all aspects of our society; it is a tool that can be for good and that, indeed, we can’t escape, but we are losing ourselves in the process. I am feeling discouraged as I don’t see it going away or getting easier. — Amy
EXCITED:“That’s not lady-like” is a statement regularly used in my household. It’s a statement so common in my life that I never used to think twice. As I got older and grew into myself, I began to realize how these statements, said so innocently to me by my parents, were enforcing a construct I do not support. We speak up. We stand up. And with this, we educate. How am I feeling as a woman today? Excited. I’m excited because we are exposing the world to the unfair and corrupt things we experience. I am excited because women are strong and the world is seeing that. But mostly, I’m excited for the future generation. A generation that will not accept the statement: “That’s not lady-like.” — Madeline
COMPLACENT:I’m always accepting other people’s happiness and satisfaction as my own. If the people around me are good, then I’m good—for the most part. I chose “complacent” because it’s not necessarily the best thing for me: it’s just something I accept and am okay with. I’ve settled, you may say. — Emma
FRUSTRATED:I feel like I want to do so much, but I don’t feel like I have the time, energy, or resources to make it all happen. I’m frustrated in that sense. — Zoë
OPTIMISTIC:While emotions come and go (impermanence!) I mostly feel optimistic. Optimistic that everything will be okay. Optimistic that I can handle what comes my way. Optimistic that the future will be a good place, a better place, and we will all be better than alright. — Theresa
ANTICIPATION:I feel like I live in a constant state of anticipation, which <i>Wikipedia</i> defines as “an emotion involving pleasure, excitement, or anxiety in considering an expected event.” I like that “anticipation” has both a positive side (excitement) and a negative side (anxiety). My mood at this point in my life is either euphoric or uneasy, both coming from anticipation. Most of the time my anticipation is without a cause or from complete fantasy, rather than an actual plausible event or occurrence. — Quinn
GRATEFUL: I’m aware of what I have and I don’t want to take it for granted. — Nancy
INDEPENDENT:I feel as though I have the power to control my emotions and rely on no one but myself to generate my happiness. In the past, I’ve relied heavily on other people and my surroundings to create my happiness. I was always seeking validation through various means. About a year ago, I realized that the most important person I’ll ever be with is myself. I started caring less about what other people might think of me and more about how I feel. I create my own happiness by virtue of independence. It’s truly one of the best feelings to wake up and know that there’s nothing and no one who can manipulate and dictate the way I feel. I’m the driver of my life! — Sara
CONTENT:Overall, I’ve been feeling very content. I feel like I’m in a really good place right now. I came out as a trans man a year and a half ago, and I feel like I’m finally becoming me and getting comfortable in my own skin, which is something I struggled with for years. Although I definitely have my high and low days, this feeling of content continues to stay—like a nice warm belly feeling. — Jaime
CHALLENGED:2018 has challenged me numerous times. I’m grateful that I’m strong and confident enough to face each of those challenges—to find a way to make the most out of even the worst. Every challenge I overcome empowers me more and makes me proud. Especially because I have daughters, and never want them to give up, or give in too easily. — Mary
AWE:It encompasses a mixture of feelings: distraction and apprehension, fear and surprise, terror and amazement. This feels like the easiest and most complicated way to describe my feelings. Awe is neither positive or negative. For the past three years, I’ve been in awe of how deeply I find myself able to feel things. I’ve been in awe of the implications of emotions and how they affect almost everything in our life—how strong and important they really are. I feel like it’s been my anchor emotion. — Kenzie
HOPEFUL:I live in the States, and we had one of the worst mass shootings in our country’s history on Valentine’s Day. The students who survived the shooting are standing up to the NRA and to every government official who accepts money from the NRA (including our president). Something just feels different this time—they refuse to be silenced or intimidated. — Jen
ANGRY:Angry because I get annoyed when I don’t get support from people when I feel I need it, but also guilty because they probably have their own stuff to deal with. — Paige
PEACEFUL: I feel complete, like I have come home to who I truly am. — Kaya
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