The myth of college soulmates: navigating expectations of love in your 20s 

Why the pressure to find ‘the one’ in university may be misguided

For years, everyone has told me that my post-secondary years will define my future, including my romantic future—no pressure! The idea that university is where everyone meets their ‘soulmate,’ or the person they’ll spend the rest of their life with, is prevalent among my peers. I constantly witness the rush to find a romantic partner in your early twenties—a phenomenon reinforced by countless forms of media, from books to TV shows to movies. The recent trend of romance novels set on university campuses, while entertaining, perpetuates this myth. 

University provides a unique environment for students, wherein their shared experiences, be it academic or social, help students form strong bonds with one another. Reaching adulthood and achieving a level of independence that students have never experienced before is coupled with a desire to explore romantic relationships. Nevertheless, the reality of young adolescent relationships differs from such idealisations, raising questions about the reality and harm associated with the concept of a ‘college soulmate’ or ‘the one.’  The idea of finding a ‘soulmate’ in university stems from the traditional mindset of getting married young and building a family. That is not to say, however, that modern inclinations have not also contributed to this rush. For instance, ever since the pandemic, everyone appears to be hustling to accomplish their goals as quickly as possible. After being in lockdown and having the world stagnant for so long, the new post-pandemic reality has catalysed the need for accelerated relationship progress, making relationships appear more significant in one’s life. Additionally, isolation coupled with the heightened stress caused by the health crisis prompted students to seek comfort and stability through romantic relationships. Many students felt hindered in experiencing life because of the pandemic, and therefore, they now maintain the added pressure of university is the ‘perfect time to meet someone.’ 

Students may grapple with the fear of missing out on the opportunity to meet their soulmate during their university years. The interplay of lingering traditional expectations and an increased post-pandemic sense of urgency has transformed the university experience into an environment of longing to find a lifelong partner.

While many of us may long for a long-term relationship, I find myself on the opposing side. So much is happening during these formative years of our lives that I am unsure of whether I am ready to find my soulmate. Throughout one’s early twenties, many people are just beginning to discover who they are and what they want in life, unravelling their journey of self-exploration on their way to self-actualisation. I wonder, then, how someone can enter a long-term relationship without first knowing themselves; being in a relationship can hinder your process of self-discovery. In these formative years, it is best to have an open mind about romantic topics. Instead of searching for ‘the one,’ we should consciously focus on forming meaningful connections with our peers so that we can be more authentic and less anxious in our relationships. It is essential to recognise that personal growth is ongoing and what you desire in a partner will change in your late twenties and thirties. 

The prioritisation of career development and extended education over romance can positively impact people’s relationship timeline. In this manner, students can shift their focus away from the pressure to find ‘the one’ or relationships driven by societal expectations, allowing them to take their time to build their careers, develop new skills, and pursue their passions. This transformation reduces the pressure associated with finding a life partner at a young age and encourages young adults to cultivate a greater sense of self-awareness and independence. Rushing into anything is never a good idea, especially with relationships. The pressure to fulfill the ‘soulmate’ fantasy can increase the likelihood of relationship failure due to unrealistic expectations, missed opportunities for personal growth, and potential resentment. Approaching relationships with a flexible, growth mindset is highly beneficial for young adults.

University life is all about focusing on personal development and self-improvement. In doing so, students do not have to close themselves off to relationships, but rather remain open to different types of connections and experiences. Finding a balance between growth and romance can be beneficial for students in the long run; college romances don’t have to be the end-all-be-all, but should be the starting point for a much larger story.