Don’t be obtuse, buy a goose!
Robin T. Waterdimples
We all know how the old saying goes:
“Goose goose, green caboose.
Duck duck, ice cream truck.
Swan swan, mow the lawn.
Chicken chicken, turkey.”
However, I bet you didn’t know that it was coined by Victoria College’s resident goose man, Robin T. Waterdimples, back in 1983. Waterdimples has since perished in a terrible murder accident, but his legacy lives on. Literally. What was left of his liver was transplanted into a giant goose, which now lives in the Burwash dining hall and lays every egg that is used in Burwash scrambled eggs. So, now you know why they taste so good!
What it will take to buy his finest goose: $1,000,000 (good luck buying that goose!).
Jeremiah Juggs
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. But, while Jeremiah Juggs is better known in traditional circles for his work as a duck man, his work as a goose man has received a great deal of critical acclaim.
What it will take to buy his finest goose: One (1) true love’s kiss.
Belladonna Beauregard
If you think a woman can’t be a goose man, then you might as well stop reading this list. As far as I’m concerned, any list of goose men that doesn’t feature Belladonna Beauregard (I’m looking at you, The Varsity) is disgraceful.
What it will take to buy her finest goose: A letter from her long lost son, Richard.
Michael J. Pig
A picture of my prize-winning pig, Michael J. Pig? What’s that doing here? He’s probably just trying to show off his brand new blue ribbon.
What it will take to buy his finest goose: He doesn’t sell geese, silly, he’s a pig!
Huck
Look, what do you want from me? Am I supposed to entirely ignore Huck’s groundbreaking goose man career just because of a few tasteless comments he made about Mormons while he was drunk? Come on, that was eleven months ago!
What it will take to buy his finest goose: If you can trick him into taking off his hat, then he’ll reward you with a plump, white goose.