BREAKING! Utter chaos erupts in UofT as two first-year philosophy geniuses in PHL100, William and Devarya, declare lasagne and spaghetti to be “not pasta.”
We hear about this as their friends ache in panic over their seeming descent into madness, fearing that they have acquired the disease of the learned, but they deny this and say “modern problems require modern solutions.”
In a charming, captivating, and assertive delivery, they had this to say: “It’s simple. Spaghetti and lasagne are not pasta. In fact, pasta is a state of mind, a social construct even.”
Sources say they heard about this profound theory on a Friday morning, when William and Devarya were seen describing this as the “one topic they agree on,” before their philosophy tutorial. Some students from the tutorial blame UofT time for allowing William and Devarya the extra ten minutes to think this, but they claim that their “genius” on the topic of pasta is immortal.
They call it the “Lady and the Tramp” theory, as a tribute to the most famous appearance of spaghetti on screen. Here’s what they had to say when we asked them to clarify the theory:
William: “When you imagine a pizza or sandwich, the central idea remains the same. For a pizza, it’s a circular shaped dough—square if you’re quirky—oven-baked with marinara sauce, cheese, and toppings. For a sandwich, it’s simpler, but it’s essentially vegetables, meat, or both, between two pieces of bread. Obviously the ‘toppings’ and sauce can (sometimes) differ, but the central idea of a pizza would remain the same, as it would for a sandwich.”
Devarya: “However, for pasta it differs severely. It’s possible to cook penne in different sauces with different vegetables or meat, and only then does the central idea remain the same. But if we were to ask someone to imagine pasta, ideally, we all would imagine penne cooked in different sauces with different veggies or meat, but because society is so admonishingly cruel, they sought out to misrepresent pasta, and created three million variants of it; hence, one might imagine spaghetti (which is essentially noodles) or lasagne instead. Neither of which are remotely similar to penne.”
So, when you or I ask someone to draw pasta, how are we to draw the same shape (even if the toppings vary)? And since we may draw two radically different images, how can the third party identify pasta? How do we know that penne is the same level of pasta as ravioli or fusilli? What makes fettuccine not spaghetti? These are the paradoxes that are being conquered by the might of these first-year philosophy erudites.
This is the crux of their argument, but, naturally, the complexity has only been able to reach the small crowd who agree, as they exemplarily claim those who disagree to be “wrong, like, bro you’re wrong,” repeating this phrase verbatim at anyone who shudders a doubt at their argument.
Due to the extreme eloquence in their argument, UofT administration has agreed to the validity of the theory and now commands every dining hall and café present on campus to place spaghetti and lasagne as separate dishes that cannot be served under the same category as pasta.
In fact, they are introducing a course in the Fall 2023 session titled PST100: Pass the Pasta. The course will examine the entire construct of pasta as we thought we knew it and evaluate the determinants of what makes pasta, pasta. William and Devarya would be teaching it at least for the first year, and both would critically study this conundrum among other controversies such as ‘hotdog isn’t a sandwich,’ ‘croissants are better than baguettes,’ ‘pineapple on pizza is dessert,’ and ‘cucumbers are colder pickles’ in an attempt to immortalise their food knowledge.
“Lasagne is closer to a cake than to pasta,” says Devarya. To which William adds, “If spaghetti is pasta, is ramen too? Why is spaghetti more pasta than ramen?” Both have antagonised their peers.
The profound reactions include: “I’m mortified for you both,” “Are you high?”, “I’m thinking about dropping ECO102,” and “My DoorDash order is ten minutes late bro.”
The UofT student community has expressed their deep concerns for this seemingly obnoxious theory proposed by these two, asking them to “just sleep please” and have sincerely requested them to step down from their research.
They now await the reactions from pasta communities all across the world, while planning a summer abroad in Italy to take a break from the whole pasta dilemma and eat some burgers instead. They were spotted on Thursday before the philosophy lecture wearing badges calling themselves “snacks,” while their peers were seen weeping in exasperation.
When we asked them about their dedication towards the topic, they simply stated, “Never gonna give you up.”
