Dear disciples,
Now that the health benefits of the Marble Butthole Egg and the ‘This Smells Like My Butthole’ candle are indisputable, I believe that I’ve earned your trust and can now divulge my greatest health secret yet—one that Big Government REALLY doesn’t want you to know. Prepare yourselves, my Poogies: this one will really shock you.
There are three major mysteries of our time: one, which milk alternative is the best? (#savethecows); two, what exactly are the notorious Aritzia Melina ‘leather’ pants made of, if not cowhide? (#savethosecows); three, why are the Aritzia employees so miserable? Trouble your pretty little detoxified heads no more, my Poo-Poos, for I have the answer to all three.
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Is eating spinach ever just not enough?
Try our Eco-Friendly 2-in-1 Spinach Juicer and Enema, $1299
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During my latest trip to the shopping mall in Beverly Hills (are they getting dirtier? Check out our Bad Vibe Repellant Spray, $98) I was recognized—so embarrassing!—by an Aritzia employee who requested my expertise. She led me through an adorable little secret passageway in the employee washroom to the sweetest, most well decorated dungeon hovel I’ve ever seen! All the girls on break were lined up and turned off—you heard that right! They use hyper-realistic humanoid cyborgs instead of people for employees! Talk about avoiding those pesky unions, amiright? Anyways, it turns out that these newly engineered creatures have flesh really similar to leather and, get this, they’re constantly lactating! I think that’s SO brave of them. Aritzia has developed a special machine to remove a layer of their skin each week, dye it, and bam—Melina pants! My employee guide asked me if I thought this was healthy, and I said of course! Seems like a great way to exfoliate.
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Gwendolyn’s Organic Fermented Toe Jam, $799
“Cured my husband’s leaky gut syndrome. I SWEAR.”
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What I don’t understand, however, is why they aren’t making use of that sweet, sweet cyborg milk! From what I can gather, it’s completely natural and unprocessed. I collected some in a jar during my visit, drank it that night, and let me tell you, Poo-Bears, it went STRAIGHT through me (in the best way ;)). A clear win over oat and rice milk, if you ask me, because let’s be honest, do we really know what’s in those?
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Forest Birth Baby Hammock!! $899
When you’re squatting in the woods, the first thing your newborn touches should be 100% unrefined HEMP.
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Mysteries one and two: solved. As for the third, the Aritzia cyborgs are either sentient and unsatisfied with a life of bodily servitude, or they just need to try my new organic mood-boosting tea! I choose to believe the latter.
With that, sweet Poopies, I leave you only with a GLOWING recommendation for Melina Milk: my new collaboration with Aritzia, available for preorder on Poog.com May 1!
Kisses,
Gwendolyn Pooglow
