Re-evaluating October

Everything was going well for the first few weeks—the bustling campus, the countless smiling faces, the exciting events. A new year had begun, and in the midst of settling into a bright, foreign environment, I promised myself that things would be different, that I’d make more of an effort, work harder, and get myself out there. Frosh Week was such a loud blur of yelling and face paint that it didn’t feel like school had started yet. Even when lectures had begun and I started dragging myself to tutorials, the university thing hadn’t quite hit me. And then the leaves started changing colour.

Gone are the nights when we could get lost in Toronto and greet the dawn while still wearing our shoes. Gone are the mornings when we could sleep in and skip breakfast, rolling around with carefree grins. Gone are the constant plans to see movies, attend shows, try restaurants. We now have papers to write, chapters to study, and interviews to attend. All of a sudden our non-stop rock star lives have hit a red light and we have fallen back to our usual ways. We are now procrastinating for hours and cramming last minute; eating packaged garbage and sleeping at odd hours of the night.

It’s finally here: midterm season.

I guess I should have seen it coming. Remember fitted dresses, open toe sandals, and make up? Now it’s whatever’s clean and easiest; whatever we can put on while wiping the sleep from our eyes. Of course, there are still those who’ve kept their lives together and who haven’t buckled under the pressure. They’re still wearing dress shirts and attending all these extra-curricular events. As for the rest of us, you’ll find us sleeping in Robarts, smoking packs of cigarettes, and crying in lectures.

What happens when it all gets too hard to handle? What happens when your usual support system is gone? When I moved out, I saw everything on such a grand scale and thought everything to be exciting and glamorous. Now I know that things are harder than expected, that there’s too much work, too many responsibilities, and not enough hours to even make a dent in it. It turns out that the optimism we had at the start of this new school year was fundamentally naive. It’s going to be hard and you have to start trusting yourself. When everyone’s going out to the bar, but you’re three hundred pages behind in readings, what would the new you say today that your former self wouldn’t say in August? Yes, we craved liberty a short time ago, whether to escape parents, home, jobs, or boredom. Now what we’ve encountered is something entirely different. We have this newfound liberty that allows us to do practically anything, and the test of who we are is finally starting to hit home.

October is a time of re-evaluation and perspective. If we can’t continue with our black-out partying and procrastination, this is the opportunity to get it together. For those in relationships, this is where we can assess whether we have enough time to share. At the end of the day, these papers have to be written and these books must be read. I thank the people that supported me through my past endeavours, but it’s now time to decide which friends and family members are the most conducive to my education. When it’s 3:30 AM and you’re only halfway through your assignment, who are the people you can call for motivation or to bring you a cup of coffee?

When the leaves start changing colour and you’re reaching for a sweater, know that we, too, are trying to muddle through. Some may lose sight of what matters most, and some may forget who they are entirely. But hopefully this season of self-discovery will be a good thing. Maybe we’ll have it under control by the time snow is piling up.