Put on the spot

Should we be asking people about their sexual orientation?

My friend thinks she’s got a “pretty accurate gaydar” and I’m hard-pressed to remind her that we’ve known each other since Grade 3 and she still hasn’t completely figured it out. She was telling me a story about a girl who was “totally hitting on her,” but I think she was just being friendly. It seems to go this way a lot with the people I know; they see stereotypes and attributes and use those as proof of someone’s sexual orientation.

Unless I’m wearing a plaid and toque ensemble, with an armful of cats, and a half-shaved head that’s dyed petrol or unicorn balayage, I’m not necessarily going to be perceived as queer. I can use up all my fingers and toes twice over recounting the times someone’s first reaction was to deny my orientation when I told them I’m queer. And it’s not just straight people.

I have a bad habit of telling people to “just ask” when I catch them speculating on someone’s orientation. I try to play it off like it’s not an important question, that the way people interact with you won’t change after they know. But it always changes—sometimes it’s bad, sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s only an insignificant neutral change, but it changes nonetheless. I try not to tell people to “just ask” now, because the question, “Are you gay/straight/etc?” turns my stomach inside out every time I hear it. The question sits in my belly like a landmine made of panic, and I only have a split second to decide if I’m going to tell the truth and face the consequences, or if I’m going to lie to them about myself. I don’t feel that I have the option of telling them to F-off, and that it’s none of their business.

It feels dishonest because I always say that orientation doesn’t matter; since, at the end of it all, we’re still us. I mean it, but of course, orientation does matter—we’re different but equal. It’s important to recognize these differences. It’s neither pragmatic nor responsible to live life blind, because this ignores the reality that differences can disadvantage certain groups of people.

So, we’re back to square one, but I still have reservations about the question. It seems wrong to put someone on the spot, to possibly out someone before they’ve decided to do it on their own terms. The question is a pressure cooker and some people may be pushed into saying something they otherwise would not have wanted to share. Fundamentally, it seems that to out someone is to deprive them of their privacy and autonomy over what they choose to share, all other negative consequences such as attacks and phobia aside. Furthermore, the question doesn’t serve any greater purpose other than satisfying the curiosity of the asker. I can’t think of a realistic situation where knowing someone’s sexual orientation will cause momentous and justifiable change.

I don’t like the question and I certainly don’t think it’s necessary. It would be great if we could stop playing 20 questions about other people’s sexual orientation, because it’s usually not fun for at least one of the parties involved. There will be some people who are alright with being asked to specify their orientation, and it’s great that they are comfortable enough to be able to do so. But as a general rule of thumb, with sexuality and also with gum, if someone wants to share, they’ll let you know. So, I tell my friend with the “gaydar”—quietly, because I’m a bit embarrassed—that, trust me, she was probably just being nice.