Conquering Orientation Week despite social anxiety
For many, going to university or college is a dramatic transition, one they feel unprepared for so strongly that previous transitions can’t compare. I found the college system at UofT confusing, and despite my online scouring, I couldn’t really find anything that told me how exactly it worked.. It’s the kind of thing that makes a lot more sense over time and not in the moment.
When my summer had ended, Orientation Week approached quicker than I wanted. I grew up in the GTA, so I was familiar with Toronto before moving into residence, but it was still daunting. For me, that really is the word that sums up the transition into university, into UofT: daunting … and you can see how that went for me down below.
***
It was a sunny Sunday, a warm afternoon. We pulled up on St. Mary Street, parking near the sidewalk. A narrow street, but the gateway ahead was a simple, yet pretty, view. Nevertheless, I wasn’t familiar with the area, and in all honesty, I wasn’t ready to move in.
My parents exited the car with me. I swallowed nervously, gathering my things and preparing to start the move. I had all my things packed in boxes, everything appropriately taped and secured. Our little metal cart came in handy that day.
I wasn’t sure how communicative I was supposed to be with the Orientation Leaders circulating the area and felt childish for wanting to cling to my family the entire time. Regardless, some of the O-Leaders were nice enough to help my family with my stuff. I was then directed to go to a tent, where I could get my residence key, a bunch of forms, a mailbox key, laundry card, and more general details. I didn’t like how quickly I was being separated from my family, nor did I care how immature that thought was.
I went to the tent, which wasn’t too hard to find. I had to go through the archway, and when I arrived out the other side, I looked around the quad in awe. I took a brief moment to appreciate how beautiful the area was, seeing symmetrical grassy squares, scenic walkways, and life all around the space. I went over to the tent, worried I wouldn’t spot it. It’s in plain sight you dummy, you can’t miss a big white tent.
One of the leaders managing the tent registration gave me the items I needed, appearing to be quite nice. It’s like I was expecting the apocalypse to happen or something, because I was incredibly paranoid. What I was paranoid about I will never remember, but it made me blank out at certain parts of the conversation. Why is there so much to keep track of? Where will I keep all of this safely? Will I know someone in my house that’ll let me in if I lose my card by accident? I missed maybe one or two things and panicked thinking I missed something REALLY important. I’m off to a great start.
I rejoined my family, finding out where my new home would be. Thankfully, it was right there in the quad; Upper Burwash, the rustic and cozy dormitory running parallel to the stone walkways of the quad. From this point onwards, I was a North House resident.
I began to move my things in; it was a united effort to make sure the mattress sat properly on the twin-sized bed. The room was spacious, had a great view of the quad below, but it was marking a turning point in my life that I wasn’t quite ready for. A high school friend who happened to be in Upper Burwash (but in a different house) made me feel less nervous, coming over to say “Hi,” as my family and I continued to organize my things. I wasn’t sure if I would settle in during that week, let alone the first day.
So what exactly was my approach to Orientation Week? How did I come out of it when all I did was doubt myself and feel nervous? Step one was knowing I wasn’t alone. Another high school friend was at Victoria too (in a different residence), which was reassuring. I had two friends I knew well close to me, which is quite good compared to most experiences during O-Week. But Orientation wasn’t about being with people you already knew, so step two was not relying on pre-established connections. It was going to be an experience like no other, which would challenge anxiety about new people and places.
I was extremely nervous at the prospect of talking to new people. It isn’t easy having social anxiety, and O-Week was something of a monster to me. What if I weirded them out? What if I said something dumb? These were among my concerns that day. I was worried I would make a fool out of myself somehow, because I knew I had to involve myself in activities in order to build new relationships, trying to figure out what step three was. When I went to sleep that day, late at night when things were quiet, I remember telling myself before closing my eyes, “This is my first night away from home.”
The following day, all the new students wore their Orientation t-shirts, congregating on a soccer field right beside Goldring Student Centre. So much for my steps. We were put into groups with Transition Mentors, based on a colour. Purple was our colour, something I still remember clearly. I wasn’t sure how nice my group would be, or how awkwardly I was going to conduct myself. Whatever the case, I think I got lucky in a way. That, or the universe works in crazy ways, because I managed to meet someone that day that I really got along with in this group. Sharing a group was key. I don’t remember what exactly I brought up to initiate the conversation, but this person was nice enough to go along with it and make small talk. I couldn’t tell whether they were humouring me or not, but at least I wasn’t as nervous. Although, I definitely put my hands in my pockets or something to make sure they didn’t see them shaking.
I ended up talking to this person for quite a bit; I don’t think we had many moments of awkward silence, as we always had something to say or make fun of. When I told them about some bad injuries I had had in the past (quite the icebreaker, I know), they replied, “Alisha, no, you have to be careful.” The language and tone reminded me of friends I had known for much longer, which I didn’t know was possible. In the moment, I only thought about how I kept going on and on about injuries of all things. I was unsure why I was so quick to open up and tell them about me. Was it because they seemed keen to know more, which I validated as the go-ahead to keep rambling, or were we genuinely bonding and bantering? I hoped it was the latter.
I attribute to this one person the feat of helping me break out of my shell, and breaking that shell was a difficult task. They became my first friend at UofT. Most people would say “The world is your oyster!” as a way of encouragement, but I kept telling myself “The world is my very own Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event”, because I was worried anything resembling self-confidence would join the dinosaurs. Remembering the experience reminds me of all the silly little things that went through my mind, but there were so many things I did that I thought I was incapable of.
After the first two days, there was a big club fair happening in King’s College Circle, and all the colleges first met on the Varsity football field. There, we all chanted our college names, became immersed in the college rivalries, and set out on the long walk to King’s College Circle. By this point, I met a lot of the students my new friend knew from their high school, and briefly met with a couple people I had known from group chats over the summer. We screamed “Send your kids to Vic”, and my vocal cords suffered from excitement. At the club fair, I met more friends of friends in different colleges, tried my best to not be intimidated by the number of clubs (or people) there were, and then went back to Victoria to prepare for the next day.
The highlights of my Orientation Week were Vic Plays and Scarlet and Gold. The plays were a series of skits acted out by the leaders, which I found hilarious. The nature of the plays was entertaining and relatable, which really resonated with me. Finally, Scarlet and Gold was the night. If my memory serves me right, it was my new friend that asked me to go to this event. It was a dance, held at the Palais Royale, which is not far from the waterfront. I had a dress to wear that night (which I was worried I didn’t have) and ended up going to an event I would normally avoid. At first, it was a little slow; we wandered around, were indecisive over where to sit, and I was mostly confused about how hungry I was. I wasn’t sure if I was pretending to be hungry because everyone else was (which was probably why I joined the line), but I found myself wondering if the friendships I made were just temporary ones. Scarlet and Gold more or less made me forget about those anxieties. We took many pictures, sung to the songs we loved, danced like no one had danced before, and enjoyed each other’s company until the venue closed.
The rest is history as they say, as classes started the next day. I lost my voice, my feet were sore, and I felt barely conscious from the little sleep I had over those 4 days. My world really opened up after that week, and each little thing like the Orientation Week schedule and bracelet became nostalgic trinkets. I was beginning to forget my paranoia, because after taking that first step to talk to someone I didn’t know, there would be no Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event for me.
I was worried the minute I arrived on St. Mary Street that I would be homesick, but I never really felt that way, forgetting that I was on my own that week. By the third night of Orientation week, it was natural to go to sleep in my new bed, to stay up until midnight with these new friends, and to feel like I had a new home.
***
I wanted to retell my O-Week experience to try and connect with anyone who might be socially anxious at the thought of that week. I viewed that first day as a trial by fire, because I am the kind of person that has the most fun once I’m settled in, not before. Those drawn-out stages of immersing yourself in a new environment made me want to yell things like “Can I just not be anxious for once?”, or “Can I just skip to the part where I’m not nervous?” My experience with O-Week made it easier to face those demons. It was, without any exaggeration, among the most enjoyable experiences I have ever had, the kind of experience I am happy I didn’t miss out on. It’s easy to bring yourself down when you get nervous, but you will find that one person, maybe more, that help to curb those worries. Most importantly, you have to tell yourself it will be okay, no matter how many attempts that takes. I wasn’t sharing any classes with these friends, which meant the cycle was somewhat repeating itself. I can remember thinking in one of my classes during the second week; “Why did I say that? I don’t know anything and now I regret all of my life decisions,” after willingly participating in the class discussion. Social anxiety never truly goes away, but once you know where the extinguisher is, no trial by fire will ever be as intimidating as I once thought Orientation Week would be.
Comments are closed.