Modern men suck? Try these lovers from the past!

Dating in your 20s is hard—nay, impossible. But fear not! Hannah and Silas are here to tell you that you no longer have to lack a date to Highball. We will give you the inside scoop on eight eligible bachelors, and whether you should smash or pass. Our qualifications you ask? Why of course… 

Hannah: Bisexual. Went on a mediocre date where they learned too much about their date’s ex. Takes long showers to add some measure of warmth to her life. 

Silas: Bisexual. Avid Hinge downloader, user, deleter, re-downloader, user, re-deleter, etc. (you know the cycle). Hasn’t felt the touch of a man in many moons. 

Général Thomas-Alexandre Dumas Davy de la Pailleterie

A general of the Napoleonic era who heralded from Haiti, we’d take any of his commands. Famously inspired The Count of Monte Cristo, the novel written by his son as a revenge fantasy on his father’s behalf. 

Pros: Described as “one of the handsomest men you could ever meet,” with chivalry to boot.

Cons: Fr*nch.

Smash or pass? Smash, smash, smash, smash. One chance, pleaseeeEEEE!!!!!!!1!!

Zheng Chenggong 

Scourge of the South China seas, this pirate-turned-general is sure to pull on your heartstrings like the rigging of his ships. Plus, a seaman at heart, he’s not afraid to dive in and get a little wet. 

Pros: He’ll defend you like he did the Ming dynasty.

Cons: Died at 37 :(

Smash or pass? S M A S H ! There is nothing we love more than a pirate.

Raphael

One of the great masters of the Renaissance period, Raphael is renowned for works such as the School of Athens and fighting in the sewers with twin sai. With his infamous beef with Michelangelo, you know he’s up for some good gossip. 

Pros: If you ever wanted to be a muse, this is your chance!

Cons: Also died at 37 :(

Smash or pass? Smash! After all, he was diligent in his study of human anatomy… 

Joseph Lister

The namesake of Listerine, this Victorian-era surgeon only wants to fix your broken heart. A pioneer in surgery and medical research, he is best known for using carbolic acid as a steriliser and his research into wound infections. 

Pros: Believes in germ theory!  

Cons: Probably wouldn’t let you use the five-second rule. 

Smash or pass? SMASH. You would be missing out if you passed up the opportunity to wine and dine with this sexy surgeon. However, we would like it noted that if you are passing, we are free Friday night for a date with Lister. 

Paul Revere

The British are coming! But will you? Famous for yelling on a horse and not really much else, Paul is an avid silversmith and military man at heart. 

Pros: Well at least he’s vocal and can ride!

Cons: Gives the vibes of a guy who would turn to you and go ‘I like someone… you know them super well… .’

Smash or pass? Silas personally would recommend a strong pass, but that may be his British (derogatory) side speaking. Hannah, an unfortunate American, says to go for it! He might revolutionise your love life.

Charles Darwin

Adapting to a relationship with this man may be tough, but eventually, the selective pressure would evolve your love into something stronger and more fit to your environment. A man of nature and science, Darwin spends most of his free time staring at plants. 

Pros: A good father who cares for his children. 

Cons: Had those same children with his cousin… .

Smash or pass? We recommend a soft pass on this one. The whole marrying his cousin thing is a lil hard to overlook. 

Socrates

The original yapper, your days would be filled with distressing reminders of your first-year Socratic discussions. An original sassy man, he treated his trial like an improv comedy show that you showed up to for moral support and promptly felt dread when he walked onstage.

Pros: Free tuition for his classes!

Cons: Had some choice words on democracy. 

Smash or pass? Might be worth a one-night stand, so long as you don’t let him open his mouth and get the hell out once it’s over. 

Ramses II

This infamous pharaoh lays claim to one of the longest reigns, a good sign that he’s willing to commit! Ramses II led numerous military campaigns and may be able to bring prosperity to your life as he did with Egypt.

Pros: Rich… Sugar daddy potential?

Cons: Would be that one WWII-obsessed guy in your high school history class who knows a little too much about tanks. 

Smash or pass? As your advisors, we have to recommend a pass on this one.  A little suspicious how much time he spends away from home… .

While these men may be dead, your love life isn’t! There’s no time like the present to resurrect that confidence and get out there. 

XOXO,

Hannah and Silas