The conflict between fantasy and reality
“I just can’t picture you in a relationship,” my best friend of 14 years said once, her eyebrows furrowing in faux concern. All I remember is the feeling of my heart practically dropping into the ground. Not in a hopeful romantic way, but simply in a hopeless way.
It was only recently when I began to realise I’m not the problem. Maybe the thought came to me when my on-and-off talking stage finally came to an end. I had to beg him for a first date—which should have been warning enough… I guess I’m capable of seeing every colour of flag except for red.
When it finally happened, he stood me up for three hours. Three. How can somebody who dresses in a quarter-zip and uses LinkedIn more than Snapchat even do something like that? When it came down to it, the trash took itself out.
Men assume that because they represent masculine ideals of honour, loyalty, and financial and emotional support, they then earn the title of “boyfriend.” However, this portrayal is so blatantly different from reality, and it is that disconnect that I find embarrassing.
Even merely speaking to somebody I might want to date leaves me psychologically scrambled. Weirdly, I sometimes blame myself for wanting a love like the movies, and I end up only getting disappointed in the end. How does that feeling compete with something as primal as wanting a mate for life?
I think an explanation for this abstraction is evident in the world we live in today. Emotional unavailability is excused as playing hard to get. Rosters are passed off as “having options.” Essentially, the bare minimum has become so rare that we glorify it to the extreme. We see even decently good men as scarce, so we latch onto whatever fraction of that we can achieve. That is what is embarrassing: settling for less when we deserve more.
This then becomes the reason for frequent social media posts of your boyfriend: a highlight reel on Instagram or maybe a TikTok trend. I mean, it’s all in vain anyway, when he only likes posting curated photos of himself with cliché captions in the first place.
When a woman begs a man to stay, it’s so she can feel picked. Perhaps she was raised to believe that her worth is only attached to men. That she is ‘lucky’ for being allowed in his presence, therefore shrinking herself to fit his low effort and insecure nature.
Historically, everything has been structured to profit off of women’s insecurities, from needing a man to appear fulfilled, or wearing makeup to cover up features deemed ugly by society. Even economic instability plays a role, pushing women to seek the promise of security in relationships when the world itself feels uncertain.
However, constant disappointment is the only result in playing the system fair. Being ghosted, fed up, and finally replaced has led many, including myself, to believe that having an embarrassing boyfriend is just embarrassing. This is simply because in this day and age, it demonstrates your inability to have enough autonomy and confidence to live for yourself.
A boyfriend should always add to one’s existence, yet so often we find him taking away, whether it’s questions left unanswered, or perhaps knowing he desires your body and not your brain, but continuing to text him back each time he messes up anyway. As said by Stephen Chbosky in The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “we accept the love we think we deserve.” Yet, we often chase the bare minimum and are left wondering why real love can’t find its way to us naturally.
I keep wondering why I crave a relationship so badly in spite of this. A sturdy male figure in my life to lean on? The thing is, I forget that everything I’d ever craved in a man, I already have in my female friends. One of them ordered me takeout last night, another planned a get-together, and each of them runs over in minutes when I need help, and I’d do the same for them.
After blocking him, I was left wondering if I was even meant to be loved. Yet, I failed to remember that love comes from so many things, not just a boyfriend.
My dad takes me out for spontaneous trips for dessert just because.
My mom brings me flowers when I’m sick.
My best friend helped me fix my fallen-off lash at a party with so much focus that you would think she was a Navy SEAL in her past life.
Just because one man failed to show up does not mean another won’t when I’m ready. I think it’s time to question the patriarchal world we live in which leads us to believe that romantic love equals accomplishment. Ultimately, no woman’s worth should be defined by an embarrassment of a man.
