Sexual shame, dissatisfaction, and the quest for enjoyable sex
A brief disclaimer: none of what I’m about to say is intellectually rigorous.
How many times have I seen one of my friends swipe Hinge for a bit, sigh, delete the app, and swear themselves to celibacy? How many times have I spied the wrong you’re or your in a message from a guy with a sketchy mustache and a bad hairdo? To all my single friends, I hear you. It’s rough out there. That’s not what this is about. This is about people swearing themselves to sexual celibacy because of a mediocre date as though not practicing will make them any more aware of what they’re looking for. Here is my case for having bad, unfulfilling, and disappointing experiences on dates and in the bedroom. Let me be very clear on one point, however: bad should not be read as dangerous. In that case, run away.
Firstly, where does the modern urge for celibacy come from anyway? We all know that practice makes perfect in most areas of life, but for some reason, this attitude flies out the window when it comes to sex and dating. I’m always baffled when I hear people our age talk about “saving” it for someone special or wanting it to “mean something.” Perhaps this is just my experience as a gay guy showing, but in my view, meaning, intimacy, and frankly anything beyond basic corporeal urges seem entirely optional when it comes to sex. Those things are wonderful, yes, but they won’t happen with Jake from Hinge. What, then, is the value of even trying Jake from Hinge on for size?
If I may be allowed to pontificate, I think that most sex is destined to be like most meals – just okay. Similar to eating a meal, it is a satisfaction of a corporeal urge. But we don’t stop eating because meals are disappointing, do we? When we see it, we pathologise that kind of behaviour as disordered. The difference seems to be that there is a much stronger culture of shame and idealisation surrounding sex. Given how it’s treated as taboo, we expect it to be fantastic. When it isn’t, we wonder whether it was worth the shame that follows. My answer: probably not, but there’s only one way to make it worth it.
The value of trying on Jake from Hinge is the experience itself. When you’re with someone who’s safe and respectful, those encounters help you learn what you like and what you don’t. With food, you have to eat a few truly mediocre dishes to develop a palate that will allow you to know when a dish is good. I believe that sex works in a similar way. I personally haven’t had to brave the wilds of Hinge, but I think this is also likely the case with dating. By going on mediocre dates and having mediocre sex, you will become more capable of discernment for future dates and future sex. You’ll get closer to finding that person with whom you can add the intimacy, the love, the fireworks, et cetera.
