Friendships for thought

“I have learned to accept the spaces in my life for what they are” 

Over winter break, I got drunk with a couple of friends from high school. These are friends I would see every so often, usually if we are home for a holiday or when we make our way to each other if we have a weekend off. Since starting university, I’ve always considered them to be my good friends, which is kind of funny because in high school we weren’t really that close at all. These friends, Lucas and Carrie, had already booked a trip to Iceland for reading week, and since I was a bottle of wine deep, it wasn’t hard to convince me to book a flight to join them. All this was despite my better judgement that still circled inside my muddled brain: you don’t have the money for this, you don’t have the time for this, and you certainly don’t know if you’re close enough with Lucas and Carrie for this. 

That last one was my greatest worry. See, I could put off school work, and I’d be fine. I’m lucky enough to have been able to figure it out financially with a little help from my future self and all her debts. But I had never travelled with Lucas and Carrie before, and I’d be in a car with them, in the same hostel rooms as them, living in the same three t-shirts, eating the same flavours of Icelandic yogurt, for three days, and honestly, I wasn’t sure I had the patience for it. 

Catch me two months later hopping on an overnight flight to Iceland for a trip I was unsure about, and I will summarize it like this: it truly was one of the best weeks of my life. We spent a week roaming the Icelandic countryside, climbing mountains, dipping our feet in hot springs, drinking cheap beer in our Airbnbs, laughing, crying (but only a little), and screaming our favourite songs going 120 down the highway—but don’t tell my mom. 

When I came back, all I felt was their absence. We go to different schools and live in different cities, but the whole time we were away together it felt like they would still be part of my everyday when we returned. I learned a lot from being around them every second for only one week. I felt free; I felt impulsive; I never felt judged; I felt comfortable. This all coming from friends with whom, four years ago, I never felt that close. 

I have spent the last few weeks reflecting on my friendship with these two and all my other friends who have stuck around. Since high school, I have gained friends here at UofT, and I have drifted away from others who were some of my closest friends in high school. 

I had a solid group. We hung out every day at lunch, spent every weekend watching horror movies, and knew pretty much everything about each other. The thing about drifting away from those people is that I didn’t recognize it was happening at first, and I don’t really feel the weight of it until I see them again, which is a rare occasion. When I do, the differences are palpable. We are not the same people we were in high school; we have grown, mostly in opposite directions. It is an almost painful feeling. It is nostalgic and uncomfortable, trying to find the words to refill a space that used to overflow with love and laughter. Of course, I still love these people, but there’s something in recognizing that you and a friend aren’t what you used to be. It’s a recognition of growth, but it is also a loss within some sort of liminal space where there is still love within a great distance.  

At the same time, I have watched myself become closer with, and open up to, people I considered only acquaintances in high school—and what an exciting thing that is. I have had a couple of friends who I have known since I was four, and they have always been a constant. And then I have friends that I’ve known since I was 14, who were certainly not a constant, but have become a necessity in my life. As we’ve grown older, we’ve discovered more in common. And now, being self-aware enough to truly reflect on the relationships that I still have and the ones I have lost has taught me a lot about growing up. I have learned to accept the spaces in my life for what they are, as I watch old and new friends come to occupy them, then come to walk away. I think that this acceptance has taught me a lot about myself and about what I value. The relationships I’ve strengthened with some friends have told me that the bonds with others are not so strong anymore. I’ve also learned that these are things I must accept and that it’s okay to let go of things that just don’t fit anymore to make room for the things that seem right.