Confronting the reality of UofT
I’ve never really been one to celebrate the New Year. I’m not a fan of big parties, and I don’t really see the point of waiting until the end of the year to set goals. However, the energy at the end of 2019 was unlike anything I’ve felt in previous years; the cusp of a new decade full of chances for fresh beginnings seemed to electrify the people around me. All that hopeful enthusiasm ended up rubbing off on me as well. I ended up pulling out the journal I wrote in during the twelfth grade and throughout the summer, so I could reminisce and reflect on my year. In January, I sent in my OUAC application with UofT as my top choice. In February, I listened to my peers talk about which universities they got accepted to and contemplated whether I’d get into UofT. In March, I received my acceptance letter. In April, senioritis hit me like a truck and all I could think about for the rest of the school year was spending all my time in Toronto come September.
Having lived in the GTA my entire life, going to Toronto was a big deal. In school, we’d have full-day field trips going to the city, and even my eighth-grade graduation trip was spending a few days downtown (don’t ask, I can’t explain). One of the main reasons why I was so excited to be attending UofT was that I would be in Toronto for at least five days a week. My schedule also only consisted of a couple classes per day, so I figured I’d have lots of time to explore the city. Well, I was in for a rude awakening. I was able to succeed in high school without having to put too much effort into studying, which was great for those four years, but I quickly realized that I could no longer rely on my natural intellect to carry me through my university courses. Instead of attending concerts at all the different venues throughout the city and going to artisan cafes in various neighbourhoods, I ended up locking myself in the library every day for hours on end (though, the Emmanuel College library is beautiful so I didn’t really mind). My hour and a half commute home would result in me feeling so lethargic that I would immediately crawl into bed. So, the library became the only place where I could summon the will to study.
I severely underestimated how much of a toll commuting would take on me. The first time I went to Toronto by myself was in June 2019 for Open Vic, and I was so excited to be taking the GO train into the city. I thought that I’d just listen to music during the commute and be able to relax to start and end my day. However, it’s very difficult for me to relax when I have work to do. I also severely underestimated how many tests I’d have to study for and papers I’d have to write in just one semester. I tried to study or write on the GO train, but it’s not an environment that’s very conducive to working. Instead, I usually found myself re-reading the same sentence in an attempt to concentrate while people talked on their phones. Being a commuter has also caused me to develop serious FOMO; UofT’s massive student body makes it difficult enough to feel a sense of belonging, but not living on residence—especially in first year—certainly makes university feel a lot lonelier.
My parents wanted me to attend this school because they were convinced that, because of its prestigious reputation, I would be receiving the best education possible. I know that UofT has a top-notch faculty and churns out some of the most desirable graduates, but in my own experience thus far, I’ve just felt alienated here. Yes, living off-campus and shutting myself in the library every day definitely doesn’t help, but I can’t help but feel that the overall culture at this institution is of students bending over backwards studying in order to succeed. And because it’s difficult to succeed at this school, we feel the need to work harder. It’s a vicious cycle and I don’t want to be trapped in it. Why does Robarts have extended study hours that enable students to prioritize studying over sleeping? Why do instructors impose predetermined grades on undergrad students to keep course averages low? I had a conversation with an upper-year student who told me to not look at university as a competition with other students, but rather a competition with myself, so I should think of myself as successful as long as I’m making progress. While I really like that outlook on success, I think that even in this competition with myself, I’m still losing. I’m putting twice the effort into university than I did in high school but I’m not even reaping the same results.
Reading through my grade twelve and summer journal was certainly a strange way to ring in the New Year, but it led me to reflect on my first semester at UofT, and I think that was an important thing to do to move forward. I didn’t keep a journal during the semester, partly because I was too scared to put effort into something that wasn’t for school and partly because I didn’t think I had time for the emotional labour required to sort out my thoughts. I should’ve documented my experience though, because even though it didn’t go exactly the way I had hoped it would, I know that I had some great moments. They’ve just become really foggy in my mind. I wish I could look back on my first semester of university and just have a supercut of happy memories, but I know that life doesn’t work that way, and I think it would be a pretty short highlight reel anyway. I feel like I’ve let myself down. I thought that if I studied really hard, I would get good grades, and that would make me happy, but I just ended up stressing myself out. Twelfth-grade-me had high expectations for university-me, and that was because she believed I was capable of cultivating a comprehensive university experience. I’m ready to do that now.
All this isn’t to say that we shouldn’t have expectations, that would be a rather dissonant note to end on. I guess we just shouldn’t be too disappointed if real life doesn’t live up to our predetermined standards. I’m trying to get more comfortable with the fact that grades aren’t the be all end all, especially since focusing all my energy on them made me pretty miserable last semester. While I’m not the biggest fan of making New Year’s resolutions, I do like the idea that this time of year represents a communal fresh start. Instead of making a list of habits I want to implement and goals I want to accomplish, I decided to choose a word that I intend to come back to throughout the year: balance. I hope that wherever you are in your journey, you’re able to find a little more balance in this new semester as well.
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