Feelings lost in the Cloud

Grappling with the pitfalls of modern dating culture

These days, I don’t really know how to fall in love successfully. It would be nice if I looked off into a field at sunrise and saw my true love walking toward me in high-waisted breeches to tell me I have bewitched them, body and soul, à la Pride & Prejudice (2005, obviously). Instead, the only thing I look at is the little green dot in the corner of my Facebook window, trying to comprehend how a Facebook message could ever convey the weight of my emotions. 

I’m not the first to criticize the way we date in Western culture, but living in these romantically stilted times is culminating in a point of frustration that might make me swear off dating for the rest of my life. I’m guilty of romantic over-indulgence—you can find me catching an episode of The Bachelor here and there, and I watch a rom-com alone in my bed at least once a week. I’ve been on two (mediocre) Tinder dates and another that ended before it even started with an unsolicited dick pic. But I, along with most of my friends, just can’t seem to make it click. So, what’s the missing link? 

They say communication is the key to any relationship, but I just can’t seem to communicate. I’m not out actively seeking a relationship wherever I go, but I’ll just say that I fall in love with about six people a day and there’s definitely someone with whom I want to spend my Sunday afternoons baking and dancing ’round the kitchen to Neil Young. I’m sure many people can relate when I say that these feelings are overwhelming—that I look at this person and inside my head there is just one long scream, and then I’m thinking I wanna date you I wanna date you I wanna date you. But I don’t actually want to date, because dating sucks. 

So, I’ve settled on the conclusion that social media is the plight of developing a successful relationship (and now I’m starting to sound like my mother). It distances people from each other and detaches emotion from every statement. We, as young adults so full of fear and feeling, can share secrets and emotions over a text or a Snapchat that don’t need to be acknowledged in person because these things are impermanent. It allows us to be vulnerable without exposing the emotion that comes with sharing the true vulnerability embedded within our words or photographs. It allows us more room to ignore each other. We can leave text messages unanswered for days, even if the text we sent or received before was laden with heavy emotions. But we’re also forced to rely on it to get anywhere. My friends chastise me for not answering Snapchat messages—“You’re not going to get anywhere with [insert the name of whomever I happen to be in love with at the time] if you don’t answer, Carleigh.” The last thing I want to do is send someone a picture of myself on the fly. But then I’m told I can’t send a picture of what’s in front of me because that shows I’m insecure. I can’t even begin to learn how to navigate that kind of digital relationship, with its endless caveats and encoded communication norms.  

Then there’s the whole idea of relationships themselves. Putting aside the fact that we can’t even seem to get into them, when or if we do, romance is beyond sensationalized and capitalized. The realities of relationships are never as simple as the videos on Instagram of a guy rolling up in his car to pick his girlfriend up after work, with a bouquet of flowers and her favourite takeout food in hand. We have to ask ourselves: what possesses us to film and document performative moments like this for the world to see? Why can’t we just do nice things for the people we love without social recognition? Relationships involve individualism, evolving alongside someone, watching them grow, and maybe helping them to do so. Modern relationships have been diminished into their ideals. We have begun to disregard what it really takes to commit to someone and the work and choices involved in these decisions. We are lost in the ideas of proving our love to the world, because let’s be honest, it might be easier than proving our love to each other. 

I don’t know if I’ll find any resolution in this, because despite all these worries, I’m still a hopeless romantic. I still think love is all we’ve really got in the end, though a romantic relationship isn’t necessary for those who don’t want one. But for those who feel romantically, why not act on it? Getting through the day can be hard, and knowing you’ve got someone who makes your heart beat a little faster when you see them is a simple pleasure in life. Will I ever achieve this without having to send them a Snapchat? Let us hope. For now, I’ll pine and hope Mr. Darcy chases me down in the rain.